You Won't Believe This!

So, as you know the ambulance took my mother off to the hospital yesterday around supper-time and then at 10:30 pm( when I was up in bed trying to sleep- of course- not that I could much though because I was worried) the ER doctor phoned me, and she was nice, and she had questions and I haven't heard anything since( and I did fall back asleep eventually) and when I woke up this morning and checked her bed she still wasn't back so they admitted her, which I have to admit( as awful as it must sound) I breathed a sigh of relief because in all honesty I think that's where she's better off and it's much less stressful on the rest of us. I tried calling her room early this morning but there was no answer so either she was asleep, not able to reach the phone, or they had her out for tests. In any case, it's still much easier to go visit her every day than having all these people coming into the house intruding upon our lives and all the disruption,and like the ER doctor was telling me, they were hoping upon discharge the last time that with the Home Care in place that she would be "back on her feet" again but that hasn't happened; she still just lays in bed all day refusing to get up to sit or walk. I think she needs long-term care honestly.It's also really hard on me seeing her just laying there helpless and  covered in her own vomit,etc.

Last night I tried it again since the overdosing on pills didn't work( maybe because of all the medications I take I have a high tolerance for drugs?) so I tried another method: I got the idea from my friend D( from the YMCA group in Ottawa) he told me this horrible story once about his mother when she was younger and got raped and pregnant and when the baby was born she injected it with insulin( she was diabetic) and killed it so that's what I did, in the attempts hoping to die; I took my mother's insulin pen and gave myself 4 or so good injections into my belly (and I know it worked as I felt the pokes but have no idea though if any insulin was released; maybe I did it wrong?)and, just to make sure, I also injected an Epi-Pen...(and that worked; it even made a couple of drops of blood on my thigh).but of course, with MY "luck"  NOTHING HAPPENED.

I just can't believe this! I'm furious! Why can't I just die already? I'm getting really tired and frustrated about this! I guess I'll just have to keep trying other methods until I finally find one that works although I don't want anything painful or where I'm suffering; I just want to drift away asleep then go into a coma and die, and hanging is out of the question because my fat ass with the immense weight would just cause the ceiling fan to come crashing down! As for my mother, I'll update/edit this when I have any more news.

And when you walk into her eyes, you won't believe The way she's always paying For a debt she never owes.-Skylark