Midsummer.

The bugs have eaten our vines!This is why I no longer plant sunflowers anymore, because the bugs and the critters destroy them and it's all that work, hope, and expectastion all for nothing and I only end end up disappointed. Yesterday I also saw the Man With The Black Dog who asked me how my mother's doing and he said it took 8 months for his mother to get a spot into an LTC  home.....and then she died just a month later. When I called her yesterday she also said she wants to come visit next weekend and cook a turkey and was all excited about it and it's just so sad because I know it's just not going to happen and she said she really misses the 16 YR old and his "luggies" and wants him to come visit her and she called me her "mother" again, mixing up the words "daughter" and "mother" and yesterday on the Flashback radio show( songs from the 60's, 70's,and 80's) they highlighted 1978 and last week 1979, my 2 fave. years of my life!

Buddy also doesn't feel well; all day yesterday he didn't eat or drink at all; not even the chicken I gave him or licking the lasagne off my plate and his shit was this pink squishy stuff that looked like raw meat so my guess is he ate something he shouldn't have again(maybe he caught another mouse outside?) but he's hungry today and eating, and  my sweats, fluid retention, cough, and fatigue could also be heart or lung related(the 2 things they didn't check; my stomach and abdomen will have been scanned and scoped) and a week tomorrow I get my endoscopy and colonoscopy as well and the worst is the prep: no nuts or seeds for 5 days before and liquids only 24 HRS before and the prep I have to drink makes me shit (and bleed!)my guts out and if it turns out I do need surgery( depending on what they find) I just hope it's NOT the week after as that's when I'm going to the CNE (the "EX") but things usually take forever here, like months, like with my gallbladder; it took 3 months for surgery and by then it was full of stones, badly inflamed and on the verge of rupture!It's like a Third World shithole!

It's also disturbing all the pedophiles as well and I remember my grade 4 teacher was eventually jailed for it and even when I was being abused by a relative ages 4-12 I didn't know what a pedophile even was or that such a thing even existed; I just thought because he was fat and ugly and creepy and gross he couldn't get a GF so he had to force little kids but I never knew that there were actually grown-ups that got 'turned-on" by little kids, and because of what I endured I never let my own kids go to sleep-overs or overnight events(even though they just thought I was "strict") until they were much older and better able to defend themselves, just in case, because I know what's out there and what can happen so it just made me extra cautious, and with my family always telling me to get lost, go away, to kill myself, that it "doesn't concern" me, that they "weren't talking to" me, that it "doesn't incl." me, I'm "not part of it", I'm "so annoying", "always make everything worse",  etc. always making me feel unwelcome and unwanted it only make me withdraw even more as a consequence too; not wanting to be where I'm not welcome or wanted and then they wonder why  I'm distancing myself .

When they call your name better run and hide.-Ozzy Osbourne