I'd like to answer this, not because I feel I am unattractive, but because at various points in my life I have been treated as such and I want to share honestly and openly what that experience was like.
To provide some background, I have struggled with my weight since I was a young child, and was more or less always the heaviest girl in my peer groups at school. My family did not have a lot of money, meaning that I didn't get nice haircuts or highlights, makeup, or fashionable clothing and accessories. And finally, I was a nerdy tomboy who actively shunned the idea that appearance matters. I preferred sweatpants to jeans and didn't have the first clue about how to dress myself or do my hair (which was always tangled and frizzy).
Later on in my life, some of these issues got straightened out, but I remained awkward and extremely overweight until my mid-20s. Therefore, I've experienced both the "ugly girl at school" and the "unattractive woman" sides of things.
Childhood and Youth
This was honestly the hardest. Children can be cruel and overt in their treatment of social misfits. I was teased mercilessly, especially by the attractive "popular kids", on an ongoing basis from as early as first grade. Here are just a few things that happened to me in grade school and middle school:
- One boy sent me a fake love letter, which I unfortunately believed was true until the punchline was delivered to me in front of a group of other kids.
- My assigned seatmate on the bus made me sit in the aisle because I was "too fat" to sit on the seat, and regularly poured soda into my hair on the 45-minute long drive to school.
- I was only allowed to be friends with other unattractive people, which actually worked out because they were often the nicest and funniest kids. One pretty but awkward girl I was friends with took a chance to promote her social status by ditching me publicly at recess. It made perfect sense; she was too pretty for the ugly kids' group.
- I only got valentine's day cards from the teachers.
- I had crushes on people but knew that I could never be the object of someone else's affection. I went to school dances alone, if at all. I didn't exchange cute "if you like me, check this box" notes. I didn't go to boy/girl parties and giggle about "making out" the next day.
- I learned to be okay with spending a lot of time alone. Being an unattractive girl doesn't just make it hard to get a date. It makes it hard to make friends at all, especially in the tweens when a lot of the other girls are very focused on appearance.
Young Adulthood
Things do improve as you get older. The teasing stops (mostly) as it becomes socially unacceptable to mock someone for their appearance or weight. But in some ways, this makes it harder to cope with. You know people are judging you and treating you differently in subtle ways, but since they're nice about it it's harder to just ignore them or put up walls.
- People are simply nicer to attractive women. If you go out with a cute friend you can see this painfully clearly. This isn't to say that people are mean to unattractive women; they aren't. It's more like you're invisible.
- You can't shop at a lot of normal stores. Many don't carry plus-sizes, so you have to go to special stores for larger women.
- You don't get hit on, you don't get people asking for your number, you don't get people buying you drinks, you don't get much attention of any kind really.
- You date online and you get used to people telling you they just aren't attracted to you.
- It's easier to be platonic friends with men because there's little chance they'll end up sexually or romantically interested in you.
- You get used to people giving you unsolicited advice about your health and/or appearance. If you're fat or ugly, you just aren't working hard enough at being otherwise.
- You either feel ashamed of how you look or you learn to not care.
- People don't take pictures of you. Honestly. I know it sounds weird, but I have very few pictures of myself from the time when I was seriously overweight.
The Good
While it can be extremely traumatic to go through the experiences I've described here, there is actually a silver lining to it all. Attractive women are treated well primarily because we as a society objectify them. In a way, you get to dodge that bullet. It hurts to feel invisible to the world, but it's also liberating. You are free to simply exist as a person, and if you are able to make the most of that it can be a great opportunity for spiritual growth.
The other big upside is that you have likely developed a good personality and/or career in order to cope with the social downsides of being unattractive. Combine this with the fact that age, money, and time can go a long way towards making you more attractive, and you will almost certainly end up at an advantage later on in your life.
Natural beauty fades, of course, but intelligence, empathy, wit, and kindness last forever.
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