Yesterday I took these photos of the pretty fall leaves and vines in our backyard. This morning we also had a pretty sunrise with the sky all pink and tomorrow my BFF( since we were 12!) has her birthday and she turns 57 and on the 27th my hubby turns 60! October is a busy month for birthdays so I guess January is a Sexy Time month, ha, ha! Last night I also got grossed-out with a big nickel-sized rubbery membrane in my Burger King (Booger King) chicken sandwich I just gave to Buddy because he loves disgusting things and yesterday the newly-minted 29 YR did have something bad happen on his birthday too just like he said it would(I guess he "inherited" my bad luck): a job that was supposed to only take an hour something went wrong and it took all day and he wasn't home until I was in bed so I didn't even see him all day! I also tried to upload a song to my iPod the other day as well and spent an hour trying(typical) and it still never worked so I just gave up and went to bed and I tried it the next day and it worked, even though I didn't do anything different.I think I'm just a jinx and electronics don't like me.
I noticed as well I've lost more weight( but hey, I'm NOT complaining!) as all my pants fall down now and I can see my physique is much thinner now,too, and I also noticed this morning in the bath a clump of veins on my lower left leg has now formed a hard lump and bruise so maybe a blood clot and I wonder if I do have some sort of cancer, esp. being extra tired and weak as well as the excruciating back pain that keeps getting worse( not to mention the stomach pain) that nothing relieves now and even a "heaviness", tingling, numbness and weakness in my arms and legs at times as well, making me wonder if it's a spinal issue(it may be a slipped disc,too), plus the stiff sore neck,too, maybe I have breast or lung cancer or something and it's spread?I also realized when my mother dies I'll be an orphan; an adult orphan, and Buddy moans and groans and sounds like an old man now,too, and I heard Britney Spears had an abortion when she was 19 and that baby she killed was probably the girl she always wanted,too, because karma seems to have a way of working that way. I think it's funny too how when British and Australian people sing you can't hear their accents and with the economy and inflation so bad why doesn't the mint just print out more $$$?.
I also used to think my Babushka didn't love me because she never hugged or kissed me ( just like my mother never does) and I thought maybe I'm just too repulsive to be hugged or kissed and she was very critical as well and nothing I ever did was ever good enough but now realized she likely did,but she just didn't show it physically but in other ways, as she was an austute, stoic, proper and not what you would call a "warm" person, and looking back probably on the Spectrum,too, but she did let me mix her flour and spices etc. in her kitchen to "cook" when I was a kid( and made a mess), and gave me cookies every time I visited, and she gave me lilacs and flowers from her prized garden and taught me everything I know about flowers and birds, and and she let me try on her furs and jewellery and hats, and knit my doll and I matching ponchos and sewed me this long light green short-sleeve dress with flowers on it I loved,and knitted me countless sweaters and vests I cherished and were what I mourned losing the most when we had the fire, and that one time her and my mean aunt were visiting and my aunt was mean to me and I left and retreated to my "hiding spot" which was actually a big hall closet with a sliding door where I had a sleeping bag, pillow, and some toys and snacks Babushka came in and sat there with me, leaving my aunt sitting alone in the livingroom and that really meant alot to me and I never forgot it. Sometimes you just show love in other ways and when I die I hope she's the one who's there to greet me on the Other Side.
Sometimes u just have to say im gonna kill my self and move on.
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