Before I Die.

Yesterday I was grinding up some bud and I also ordered a month's worth of pre-rolls( joints) because I can't roll for shit between my clumsiness and Rheumatoid Arthritis and the funny thing was my order arrived at exactly 4:20! HA! I also had this deep burning feeling in the middle of my chest all day which is either really baaad heartburn  or my heart is conking out; with all the heartache I've had in life maybe it just gave up and can't take any more hurt and pain and finally broke?Is it possible to actually die of a broken heart? In any case before I die I still want to:

-Grow a cannabis plant

- Get another tattoo(I have an app't for next Tuesday!)

- Ride a horse again

- Go back to Jamaica

- See my old Toronto house one last time

- Go toboganning like I did when I was a kid

- Try Magic Mushrooms

- Go to a Billy Idol concert

- Go parasailing again

I have this almost sense of urgency, yet at the same time also a feeling like everything's also falling into place. I also noticed Buddy has a blue tongue now(it used to be pink) and I worry he has cyanosis, that his  failing heart isn't pumping enough oxygen into his blood. Maybe we'll both die of heart failure together?

I also found this old photo  I love of the 20 and 22 YR old from 2011 when we took them on a Caribbean cruise. I remember this: it was Messy Hair PJ party day and they won for Messy Hair and got a prize. The "trick" was I back-combed their hair. I miss those days, when the kids were younger and they still loved me.I checked into a hippo Squishmallow as well but they're too expensive: 40$ not incl. tax or shipping, so likely it wouild be double, which is too expensive for a stuffed toy so maybe I'll get it as a Christmas gift or wait until a Boxing Day sale and I can get it much cheaper, and I hope the item I ordered on the Black Market shows up ok,too, and I don't get ripped-off; it's not like I can even report it, like drug dealers can't exactly call the cops when they get robbed, and I can still remember too my friend in high school her father dealed in Black Market goods and one entire weekend her and I helped him package counterfeit goods.My hubby, the 16, and 29 YR old are also going up to visit the 27 YR old and the 24 YR old's meeting them there too 21-23 Dec. for Christmas and no one even thought to invite me but I can just enjoy the Alone Time at home, but if I died my rotting corpse would be decomposing for 3 days too and they'd have one hell of a surprise when they got back, and my hubby thinks my account got hacked as well as I got a security notice but I can never tell which ones are real or fake so I just ignore them all, and I think someone stole my mother's Oodie at her LTC home,too, as I brought it to her 1-2 months ago to get labelled and they returned all her other clothes but not that so I'm pretty sure someone took it.

I was also checking out Chihuahua Rescues and they're just sooo nosey and intrusive it's as bad as adopting a child; they even want home visits , background checks and referrals ( which I would never pass as I never meet other's expectations or standards) and even monitor you and follow-up after and check-in with the vet to make sure, etc. NO WAY! I just want to get a dog and be left alone to live my life and have freedom and NOT be beholden to them and be bothered any more! It's creepy to always have someone hovering over you, watching your every move, monitoring you and keeping track of you, and having to jump thru "hoops" to appease them. No thanks. I'll just get the dog and they can f*ck off, thankyouverymuch. I guess Kijiji is the best option or a breeder.My hubby also said he knows a guy named Harry Balls but I don't believe him. Whoever would have a name like that? I'm sure he's just making it up!

Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth Mama, ooh (any way the wind blows) I don't wanna die I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.-Queen