I decided on the bourgeois luxury I wanted to treat myself to, to make me feel like I did when I used to have $$$$: the Shiseido Honey Cake soap. I first had it in grade 7 in my Christmas stocking ( they only come out at Christmas time) and ever since then in Jr. High and thru highschool and into my 20's and 30's I'd always buy them( they also have a pink and a topaz colour ones) and you can only find them at the cosmetic dept. at the high-end stores so I'll have to order it from them online. It'll also bring back so many happy memories, and it smells soooo good,too,but not that expensive it'll break the bank! I'm also smart enough to figure out the reason my hubby and the boys are going up to see the 27 YR old this year over Christmas ( instead of having people come here like usual) is because he doesn't want to see me but that also works out for me,too, because I don't particualrly want to see him,either, and it'll be much less stressful for me,too(and better for MY mental health!) and will be doing me a favour without the drama of his big production of always getting gifts for everyone except me and leaving me out(and who needs that cruel shit, esp. at Christmas?) ,and with everyone away for 3 days or so leaving just Buddy and I here at home alone in the nice peaceful quiet will be a treat and a nice quiet break so it'll be like a gift for me as well. A Christmas I originally dreaded may very well end up being my best Christmas yet! My hubby also gave in to my mother's demands for a big turkey( he's her little "toady" and never says "no" to her) only having the 29 YR old cook it( as opposed to having the hassle of having her come over Christmas Eve to do it) as I refuse to(and I'm already cooking the other turkeys and all the other stuff and think it's unnecessary) only the problem with that is he'll also eat most of it,too, defeating the purpose of her wanting to bring most of it back to the LTC home.
I also made this pretty Christmas decoration, and yesterday I had one hell of a headache as well that lasted all day and then I remembered it was probably a side-effect of my new meds and now I'm constipated too, and Buddy gets disoriented and lost in the snow too as it makes everything look bigger and he's pretty much blind anyway so he has to rely on scent to navigate his way around the yard and he also likes to lick it and my hubby got me a new shampoo but it was the same one I'm just finishing off and you're supposed to switch shampoos to avoid residue build-up so I just left it in the main floor shower for the boys to use and he got me another one, a nice watermelon scented one and the bottle it came in looked like the ones the yogurt drinks come in and I saw it and almost drank it but luckily I read the label first, and he got me a candle I asked for as well but it was also the same one I'm just finishing off so I'll just switch and give it to my mother as she wanted one to give to a friend for a gift and I'll just keep the other one we got for her instead, and yesterday I also heard a Christmas song I didn't recognize but liked and I was horrified to learn it was Justin Bieber!
I'm just mortified!!
I'm just so ashamed and I can't ever let anyone know.
I don't know how I'm ever going to live with the shame.
This is also the tree with the new white tinsel/garland added, and it really does alot for the look and "brings out" the white theme I have going on, and yesterday the 29 YR old also informed me that the inside of a vagina and the inside of an ass feel different and when I asked him How would you know? he bragged he's been with lots of women and I said, I meant about the ass part; how many guys have you f*cked? and he goes, Girls have assholes,too! and went on to say he's "done everything I can think of and then some" and I was just like Oh, God! I really don't want to know! I bet my doctor knows, though, with all the asses he probes. Yuck. The only acceptable reason my hubby hasn't f*cked me in 16 YRS would also be if he's secretly gay because if that's just the way he is and he can't help it, but if it's because he just used me to have the kids and has no more "use" for me now or has a mistress then it's unacceptable.
I also came across this photo of the 20 YR old from 2008. I miss those days, back when the kids used to still love me. They were so sweet and so funny then,too.Before they got lost to the world. All I have now are my photos and my memories. I can also remember one time when the boys were bringing groceries in from the van and they were singing that song from Les Miserables: Look down, look down, you'll always be a slave! as they worked and it cracked me up.I wonder if they even still remember that? Even the smallest gestures mean the most,too, such as when I got beat up at a school dance by bullies from another school and a boy( and not just any boy mind you, but a cute popular boy!) came over and rescued me, my Knight In Shining Armour, I never forgot it, even now I still remember clearly, and my hospital room-mate when I had the second-oldest and I'd dropped my expensive 85$ face cream and the glass bottle broke and I was upset I had wasted it and she said, But are you OK? and it touched me that someone, a complete stranger actually cared, and was concerned about me, about my well-being, and I wasn't used to it,and how the lady at the long-term care was so kind and helpful in helping me getting things together when I was at the end of my rope trying to get my mother placed into LTC and she encouraged me and told me I can do it,and how I surprised and shocked I was when one of my aunts in Europe died and her son told me how much it meant to her that every Christmas I always sent a detailed note on updates in her Christmas card. I never knew it meant so much to her and I never thought anything of it.
Little things can mean alot.
What may just seem insignificant to you can mean the world to someone else.
This family business can be so stressful, difficult damaged people showing up to spend time with other difficult damaged people , time that might better be used elsewhere, yet out of that ,some accidental closeness,laughter, some pieced together joy.-Anne Lamott
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