It Snowed!

Hey, hey, hey, it's snowing today!

It actually started at supper-time last night and continued into overnight and is still snowing today! So far this is the most snow we've had this winter and we're even supposed to get a BIG ONE again on Tuesday and then more next weekend so today when I go visit my mother I can finally wear my new winter boots! Yahoo!! It was really hard last night trying to smoke weed out in the middle of a snow storm though as it was also really windy and the wind kept blowing out the lighter and the falling snow made the weed in the bong wet too making it hard to light.

But at the same time it was also beautiful and magical watching the snow come falling down and glistening and sparkling in the moonlight.

One of my cousins in Europe( she's around 20 or so, the same one that just recetly went to Egypt, and she's also been to Amsterdam, Barcelona, Dominican Republic, Miami and Las Vegas on her own,too) also is going to Tokyo on Thursday as well, the lucky duck,  and yesterday the 29 YR old had salmon( which Buddy oddly loves, which is weird as dogs don't generally like fish) and the entire house just reeked of stinky fish and it was even worse than my weed! It was just so gross!

I was also pondering and contemplating and I realized that I really did  suffer alot of abuse myself when I was 4 and 5 years old and my mother and I lived with my aunt and her family for 2 years after we'd left my father. At first we'd lived with another aunt and my cousins that I loved for 1-2 years or so but then her son came back( from university or overseas or wherever he was )and he needed his room back we were using so we had to leave and moved in with my other aunt, who was always really mean to me and  abusive in every way except physically and as well as that it's also when the sexual abuse began by another relative (and went on until I was 12) and as well as that they also had 3 foster kids at the same time and one of the girls(who was 14 or so) used to regularly abuse me as well and I can still clearly remember specific things such as her making me take deep "drags" on a cigarette and laughing when I'd gag and cough and she'd "bounce" me really hard off the couch as well so I'd hit the floor or rebound off the wall, plus the usual  typical beating incl. hitting, punching, kicking,etc. My mother knew my aunt was mean to me but never defended me or stood up for me or told her off(she even liked the bitch,too, something I never did understand and felt "betrayed" by), probably afraid she'd kick us out and we'd have nowhere to live, but she didn't know about the others because I'd been threatened not to tell, but it was a miserable, lonely time and I felt so isolated and alone and that's a really hard place for a little kid to be and my mother was away at work all the time so I was really alone.

After 2 years they bought another house out in the country and it was time for us to move out and move on and be on our own so we found an apt as we still stayed in the city where my mother's job at the hospital was and my school was.

I never really learned affection, love, or bonding(plus being autistic didn't help,either) and to this day I can't help but wonder how it affected me as an adult and long-term and I didn't really realize how much it *really* affected me.

We are all a product of our environment.

I also had to learn very young how to survive on my own, at least emotionally.

I thought about ways I could quickly die but I didn't want it to hurt. But I wondered if it would hurt any more than I already hurt, you know?- Just Little Old Me.