Pickling Buddy.

Today is a day Buddy gets "pickled"; where I rub apple cider vinegar into his fur. I do it twice a week, on Wednesdays and Saturdays. It's working,too, and all the bald patches on his fur are filling-in now and the fur is starting to grow back and even the 29 YR old noticed it and mentioned it so I'm not just imagining it. He hates it as his fur is all wet and he smells like French fries(until it dries) but it works  and his mange is all healing up!  Yesterday as I woke up after my afternoon nap I also heard a loud thud! and realized I'd accidently kicked him off the bed,too, and I felt so bad(and he looked shocked and stunned) but luckily he seems ok. I also found these retro photos; a blast from the past, and the one above is the Barbie pool set I had as a kid in the 70's. I had all the Barbie stuff; the Corvette, the camper, the horses,the pool, 2 suitcases full of clothes, the inflatable furniture, etc.Barbie  was quite well-off!When I was 13 I passed it down to my younger cousin and she was just overjoyed!

I also fondly remember the plastic Tupperware  bowls and cups and my fave. ones were the pink ones, which was exactly why my mean witch aunt would never let me use the pink ones when we lived with her for a couple of years, just to be mean and even when my boy cousins would get it and trade with me she'd snatch it off me and give it back to them,too, just to make me cry. I was only 4-5 years old but I still remember that. We're finally supposed to get snow ( 5 cm or so) today or tomorrow as well, so about 2 weeks late from Christmas, although just in time for the Orthodox Christmas now and lately I keep having these dreams I get shot as well and it took me 5 years until I finally stopped grieving losing someone that's still alive,too, until I finally healed and got to the point where I just don't give a shit anymore. I also feel like I'm getting really close to sonething, right on the edge, as well, although I'm not sure quite what exactly.Maybe it's dying?

I also remember I had this exact pants in the late 80's as well; acid-washed and with the pleats and the buttons and the fold-down waist. I really liked it too, not just the style but it was also very slimming. The only thing was when you had to go to the bathroom really badly it was hard and took awhile fumbling to get all those buttons open!  People are also saying they think Epstein was a Mossad agent blackmailing top officials filming them having sex with under-age girls and I don't know if I believe that or not; I just think that they were all merely perverts plain and simple, and I asked the 29 YR old why the kids hate me and he said that I was emotionally  abusive/neglectful, although not on purpose; that due to my autism I'm not able to properly form bonds and connect with people and that negatively affected my kids' development and my relationship with them, and with my bipolar it was always uncertain and unstable and they never knew which "version" of me they were going to get; the one that sat down on the floor and played with them or the one that raged and yelled and threw things and my mood swings were unpredictable and inconsistant, and it was hard for kids growing up to see that and once I got on medication it was much better though( yet I couldn't give what I just didn't have,either) for the past 24 years or so not as bad and I'm doing much better now, and he said other things too but it's too personal, painful and raw and I'm still trying to process it all, so I'm not sharing it here, but I feel so badly, so guilty, so ashamed because I never knew, I don't even remember most of it and I ceratinly didn't intend it and wasn't even aware of it and I'm sorry. 

I guess it's too late now to change anything or to do anything or to make amends but I am deeply sorry and no wonder they hate me and I guess that's my punishment; that they want nothing to do with me now and I just have to accept it.

I guess I really am just a horrible, terrible, awful person.

I really don't deserve to live.

I never should have had kids. We'd all  would have been better off.

 Other blogs put on this phony "Happy Family" image,too, portraying to the world how "perfect" and happy they are but mine is more real; I vent and purge and mine is raw, open,and real, and I'm honest and show we're dysfunctional and far from perfect but at least I keep it real.People are complex and life is messy.

In a world where I feel so small, I can't stop thinking big.-Neil Peart