Autistic people FEEL much more than nuerotypical people. Let me tell you my experience.
Emotions are harder to regulate and the world is so noisy. I don't just mean that in the sense of sound but in general, everything going on is like noise. It is incredibly hard to stay calm when the world is so noisy.
And when you try to explain to people “Sorry, I can't concentrate right now because there is so much going onon they look at you like you're stupid and exclaim “There's nothing going on".
Maybe to nuerotypicals there is nothing going on but for someone with autism, EVERYTHING is going on. Its not just the tasks at hand but its the people around you, the bubbling thoughts in your brain about EVERY minute detail you observe, its the bright lights, the sound of chitter chatter, traffic, birds, water, aeroplanes, the smells, the textures, where you are walking, the obstacles, what people are talking to you about, trying to understand their context whilst trying to process seemingly simple conversations.
I never understood this to not be normal. I don't know what its like to be able to have a simple conversation with someone and NOT be distracted by everything around you or in your head. Because of my need to dull the senses and anxiety and make me calmer, I have been a chronic substance abuser since as long as I could get my hands on substances. First it was alcohol, then tobacco, weed, microdosing shrooms and MDMA. I've always felt guilty for needing to be mildly intoxicated in order to stay calm - and this is a common problem with autistic people.
And because of it, relationships suffer. I do not have a good relationship with my family because they don't understand why I am so sensitive and why I get overwhelmed easily.
I often misread context and misheard words people tell me because it is either too busy and loud or because I struggle to understand context. I have a very literal brain so I can come off as being extremely sarcastic or just very slow.
I find basic things incredibly difficult and come off as clumsy but I tey my hardest not be clumsy. No matter how hard I try I just can't crack it. People assume its because I'm not careful or mindful but I really just struggle with coordination sometimes. So often you get labelled the clumsiness waitress in town, or ditzy.
Yet at the same time you are so intelligent in other areas. You can pick certain things up so easily. I remember being a politico around town in my really early twenties speaking to people twice my age and impressing them so much that they asked where did I get my political philosophy degree, to which I said I didn't study.
I was a gifted kid who by the time I reached high school was orchestrating, playing piano to a remarkable level and able to correct lecturers on theory knowledge.
But for my whole adolescent life I couldn't have felt more alone and isolated. Called mentally challenged and retarded by family and peers because I was overly sensitive and lacked social skills. I struggled to talk with people to the point where a lot of the time I wouldn't engage with people unless they engaged with me.
I got picked on because I was easily manipulated or wound up and I ended up isolating myself a lot in my early life. I didn't have real friends until I was 16. Before that everyone was an acquaintance, a family member, a student, a coworker and so on. I had an incredibly pretentious view of myself and upset people when I said I was only hanging around with them because my mum wanted me to try and make friends and I wasn't interested. When I was younger and less mature I referred to people that I didn't consider on my wavelength “normies".
And even to this day I struggle to talk a lot of the time unless I am super interested and can connect on stuff that interests me. Its not that I dislike people, I just no longer see the need to HAVE to talk to people. I will try and make conversation and be friendly, no one is my enemy and I no longer have that childhood pretentiousness but I just don't talk much.
The lack of ability to communicate, to even verbalise a basic conversation with random strangers, meant I struggled with work if it involved a lot of social interaction.
This lead to deep feelings if isolation and loneliness in my early life and declining mental health. I always felt so intelligent like I knew something other people didn't yet at the same time I felt so slow and incapable of handling basic living skills like everyone else.
Its like God gave me the gift of being incredibly talented at a few things that involved complex problem solving and thinking yet nerfed me in the basic functions department.
By and large, I feel like people only really see a veil when they see me. I appear confident and collected but often times I am struggling to understand many social interactions and cues or basic skills. I am constantly feeling shame over being clumsy, and slow and unable to handle certain environments or situations.
It feels like I am treading water and finding employment is hard because n if I do find work I usually find myself struggling with the basic aspects of the job and social skills yet put me to work doing one focused task and I will very much be happy in my own world and do the job down to a tee. I can't talk to customers and when things get overwhelming I get made fun of for “flapping" but I could tidy the shopfloor so well that every hanger is a finger space apart, cubes facing the right way. emaculately cleaned.
But once you find out that your life is the way it is because of how your brain is wired, all of a sudden you stop feeling as though you're a dumbass who is incapable of anything.
Autism is like living life on hard mode and watching everyone around you breeze through as if nothing's wrong.
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