It is undeniably challenging. This expression may come across as a bit disorganized since it is likely to mostly consist of my frustrations.
At times, it can feel unfair, as if we have been wronged in some way. It is hard not to pity ourselves when we are constantly reminded that we are not considered attractive. The way people treat us makes it painfully clear. Pretty girls often receive more kindness and assistance. People are more intrigued by them, whether it be romantically or otherwise. When someone behaves inappropriately towards a woman on the street, it is enraging for anyone. However, when it doesn't happen, it is because we are deemed unattractive. Isn't that sickening? I shouldn't be upset that a man didn't just harass me. And yet...
It takes away the joy from wearing clothes and makeup. It truly, truly sucks. When I was younger, I eagerly awaited my mother's permission to wear makeup. Now that I am of age and need no one's approval, I fail to see the point. You know, nothing I do will change my facial appearance. It's depressing. I always feel like I'm missing out. I'm unable to wear the clothes I desire because I feel uncomfortable in them. I feel like a fraud. Who am I kidding? I will never resemble them. I'm fooling no one. It feels like I'm missing out.
It turns most neutral situations into negative ones and most negative situations into hopeless ones. Giving a presentation? I can't wear nice clothes and makeup because everything feels awful on me. And regardless, everyone will already be staring at me, judging me! Meeting new people? They're probably thinking they'd rather not have to look at my face, searching for someone else to talk to. Going out alone? Everyone probably assumes I'm a loser since no one wants to be seen with me.
Then there's being the "ugly" friend. That's always tough, especially during special events where you have to dress up. Witnessing them put in minimal effort and look flawless, while you do everything possible to appear decent, is truly painful and humiliating.
I'm probably average weight for my age, but I'm also a bit soft, you know? Not a single ounce of muscle in me. It's kind of saggy. Stretch marks and cellulite and such. It just adds to the exhaustion. Most of the time, I don't even feel like going out unless it's absolutely necessary.
Taking pictures is impossible. And when you keep refusing to be in a group photo, you end up being seen as the annoying buzzkill. You try to explain that it's fine, you don't mind not being in the picture! Seriously, go ahead, just take it without me! But they don't understand that it's not a one-time occurrence. You don't need convincing. It's not something you'll just get over because they nagged you for a couple of minutes. You're not just "not in the mood" this one time. This is you every single time someone wants to capture a moment with you. They don't comprehend that it could ruin your entire day. It could shatter whatever tiny bit of confidence you managed to gather for that outing. One bad picture could completely destroy everything. And when you're considered unattractive, you can't just take a picture in any lighting, from any angle. That only makes it worse. At least when I'm alone taking a picture on my own phone, I can control those things. I know what to expect, you know?
But, the most arduous part is knowing that you will likely never be desired. The certainty that no one will ever strike up a conversation with you out of nowhere because they found you irresistibly beautiful and couldn't miss out on the opportunity. You will never have those cheesy, spontaneous rom-com moments. Your teenage years aren't filled with fun, high school flings or sneaking out to meet a boy or anything like that. You listen to your friends talking about all the guys they date and what they do for them, how some boy in class did this or someone at work said that. And you just... have nothing to share. No one looks at you twice. Which is fine, most of the time. Eventually, you learn to make peace with being alone, you know? That is, if it weren't for the constant reminders that your worth will always be determined by how attractive society deems you. So, it makes you feel worthless.
And you know what scares me the most sometimes? I think to myself, "if I look like this now, how will I possibly look when I'm older?" Because apparently, right now I'm supposed to be all youthful and beautiful. I fear I won't even have that to look back on.
Being unattractive makes me feel like I'm missing out on a happy life. Even when I try my hardest to ignore it, focus on things that make me happy, work hard, and achieve my goals, it's difficult to find any purpose in it when I constantly feel alone and unwanted. I'm genuinely terrified of being alone forever.
If you want to gain a deeper understanding of the emotional journey of an unattractive woman in society and unmask the beauty standards we are constantly bombarded with, I highly recommend reading the article "Unmasking Society's Beauty Standards: The Emotional Journey of an Unattractive Woman."
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