Yesterday I went out to get a couple of things and a lady admired my dreads, saying she loved them and asked if it was my real hair or extensions and I just really loooove them so much,too! It also makes me feel beautiful. I know that in actual fact I'm NOT beautiful (I never was and I never will be)but they make me feel beautiful and that still feels good , makes me feel good,and counts for something. I also like the way they feel hanging down my back, like my hair used to before when I was 20 when it was long and went down past my waist. I like this photo as well (except for my saggy-baggy turkey neck that looks like a sagging twat or a sliced beef Arbys sandwich) as I think it shows the real me, with the dreads(my Rasta spirit) the hippie tie-dyed shirt, and also the forced fake smile I put on but at the same time the eyes show the true inner turmoil of a life of sadness, weariness,pain, trauma,sorrow, brokenness, and suffering. My upper back on the left side( the shoulder blade area behind the upper rib) is still really sore as well and hurts so much it makes me wince and gasp in pain and I can hardly move and I just want to scream. I also wonder as well with everything( all muscles, bones, joints,etc.) always hurting all the time if maybe I might even have Lyme disease or something,too, esp. since we do have lots of ticks around here and I'm always picking them off Buddy?
Yesterday I also got Mother's Day flowers(incl. purple roses I had a vision before I'd see just before I die,too) for my mother and I (since no one ever gets me flowers I just get my own) and they only really had bouquets of all the same flowers or some in a vase for 59$ so what I did instead if just get 4 separate bouquets and made my own arrangements( seen here) hers on the left and mine on the right. Next week I'm also going on my yearly Lilac Run as well and yesterday as I was struggling to get my stuff in the trunk of the car( as my hubby just sat there leisurely in the car and just popped the lid but never got out to help me) I dropped my sandwich, falling thru the slats in the shopping cart and I cursed, Shit!! and a kind guy getting out of a car parked beside us asked if I was ok, concerned I hurt myself which I thought was nice.(There still are some good people left in this world) It's sad too to realize that my kids don't even see me or respect me as their mother,either, but just as a vessel they transitioned thru that gave them life and nothing more, and after a good "workout" with my vibrator I always hurt for about a week after too,stiff and sore everywhere, and need to recover. At this age I can't exert myself and it's why I can only have Fun Times about every 2 months or so now.
Pathetic, I know.
Last night I also fell asleep for the last hour listening to my Heavy Metal radio show and woke up at 11:30 pm laying on my bed with the light on wondering where I was and why the light was on and then realized I'd missed the last hour and then I was pissed-off and then I got up and turned the light off and went back to sleep, and I also saw a double retard yesterday online too: they were wearing a mask and had pronouns on their profile; two for one! A bonus! A good thing as well about no longer havig a uterus and being in menopause now is that I no longer have Aunt Flow(which I don't miss in the least! Good riddance bitch!) or have to have any more horrid internal exams ever again anymore! Yahoo!!
I wanted to delete myself from life.-Katie Gurney
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