Deflated Balloon.

Yesterday and today I feel so yucky and gross I feel like a deflated balloon; just really dizzy, weak, queasy,faint, and like I just want to sleep all day, like all the air's been let out of me. As I was sitting outside(it was also 29C and felt like 34C) on the back porch a bunch of ravens also came up to me and visited me,too, making me wonder if it's some sort of sign I'm dying soon? I also saw the brown rabbit in our yard again and he kept scratching his ears and it was just the cutest thing and I wonder too if he even has any idea how beautiful his fur is?(I remember when I was young I used to have a rabbit coat, hat, and mitts) I also noticed a big egg-sized lump at the back of my right thigh(and only because I had a mosquito bite in that area and scratched it, otherwise I wouldn't even know it was there, hiding amongst all the blubber) and that's also the same leg that Buddy always licks and paws at at and whines and whimpers so maybe it's some sort of cancer or blood clot and he can sense it and is trying to alert me?

I also found out too that my hubby wastes $$$ on lottery tickets( you might as well just throw $$$ away) and yet he says that I "waste" $$$ buying flowers(at least I'm getting something for my $$$) and I'm thinking as well maybe I could sneak one of those air tags(to keep track of lost luggage) into the car and "track" him and see every place he goes and find out who his mistress is, and one of my cousins( the one with the horses) also said she's "glad I visit my mother every week" and a distant memory also came back to me about my mother telling me decades ago about my cousin's hubby how when the kids were younger how he always made everyone( incl. wife and kids) wake up early just because he woke up early so they all had to( even on holidays and weekends) and how I always thought that was  not only stupid but also oddly disturbing and controlling and my mother never questioned it or thought anything of it and just shrugged, That's the rules at their house but now it makes me wonder if there's maybe more to it; is he abusive and controlling perhaps and they're NOT such the "perfect" happy family and marriage that I thought?

I also for a joke re-named that 80's Vapors song I'm Turning Japanese to I'm Learning Japanese(don't ya just love it how weed makes you so creative?) and my hubby thinks I'm "lazy" too when I 'm more efficient; I just prefer to get the same jobs done only in less time and with less work, just saving time and unnecessary work, and I heard somewhere as well that a large amount of trans people are also autistic as well and I wonder if that's from hating who you really are and always having to "mask" your true self and re-invent yourself and a catagory 4 hurricane is also barreling down towards my beloved Jamaica  and has already pummelled Barbados, Curacao, St. Vincent & The Grenadines and Grenada( all of which I've also been to) and this is the earliest of all time such a big storm has come( not ususally until August) like the Bible warned of increased natural disasters and unusual weather patterns in the  Last Days and End Times.

I also noticed my hubby has an expensive Lululemon (they sell over-priced workout wear and the rich girls are all obsessed over their yoga pants)yoga mat and I commented Ooooh, aren't we hoity-toity and swanky! and he said he didn't pay for it; it was a gift from the 25 YR old and then I sort of guffaw-ed, and rolled my eyes as ever since she moved to Ottawa and hooked up with her BF she's become so snobbish and Ottawa IS a very pretentious town though; I noticed it when I lived there,as well as every gov't dept, very intrusive and Big Brother , everything from public health to school boards, etc. I also heard when you get cremated they wrap you up in "bandages" like a mummy with only your face showing and put you in a cardboard box  and fire it up, so at least I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that my ugly face will be the first thing to be all burned and melted away.

Please try not to mom shame. I'm trying my best just like every other mom.-Bethany Fletcher