Testicle Festival.

Yesterday I went to an ethnic/multicultural festival(I just titled this post Testicle Festival because I think it sounded funny and because I'm weird like that) and I was disappointed as the main reason I even went to get the Tibetan momos  and noodles but they don't open until today(the fair goes all weekend but my hubby has his knee surgery today and won't be able to drive for awhile so yesterday was the only day I could go) and so I had to look elsewhere and everything was just soooo friggin' expensive, esp. just for street food, and so I eventually decided on a chicken taco, a churro, and my fave. Mexican soda at the Mexican food vendor....until they told me it would be 37$!

37$? Are you freaking kidding me?

For street food?

NO WAY!

I only had 20$  budgeted and I fumbled, as well as in shock, stinging with the shame of poverty as I asked if there was anything cheaper, at first saying just the taco and drink and forget the churro but it was still over 20$ so I just had to settle instead for the cheapest thing: a plain cheese quesadilla and the drink for 14$ and it WAS plain; just melted cheese in a tortilla and nothing else; no lettuce, tomatoes, seasoning....nothing, and no flavour,either.

I was just soooo disappointed, esp. for 14$!

At least I did find 2 cool Bob Marley shirts though( shown below) so it wasn't a total waste and each shirt cost less than the original 37$ they were going to charge for the food, and funny,too: as we were walking by some guy yelled out to me about my dreads, I like your hair! and my hubby(who hardly even has any hair) cracked, Thanks! thinking he was talking to him!

My mother also phoned me yesterday and she said the second-oldest and the 23 YR old phoned her for her birthday and I have to admit that hurt; a painful reminder and like a knife deep in my heart and then twisted that the kids never call me on my birthday or on Mother's Day and I'm their mother and I did my best and I tried, I really did, and I did so much for them and gave up so much and sacrificed most of my adult life raising and homeschooling them, dedicated my life to them, and being a homeschooling mother was my entire identity for decades,too, and now I don't even know who I am anymore, and how I identify as anymore, and I wonder if the 23 and 21 YR olds even remember that Christmas when they were little and they really wanted those butt-ugly Lalaloopsy dolls( shown below) I hated but they liked and I looked all over for them and ended up getting them imported for an outrageous cost( something like 75$ each) and they just arrived something like 1-2 days before Christmas, just in time.

....and how I had bad Morning Sickness( which actually lasted all day) with barfing  for 3 months with every pregnancy and I still had the others to take care of teach(plus cooking, housework,etc) at the same time, and how I gave up my house, my social circle( friends, church and homeschooling community) my life to flee Ottawa when we were in danger to keep them safe, etc.

I gave so much, dedicated so much, sacrificed so much, went thru so much trauma, stress, anxiety, fear,worry, had complications with most of them during pregnancy and/or birth or after, went thru so much raising them.....and for what?

I just got all the shit and none of the rewards.

Not even a phone call on my birthday or Mother's Day.

My mother also said her friend wants a bar of soap( even though they bathe them there at the LTC home) so what does he want to do, carve a "shiv" out of it, or something, and I told her we can't afford to supply her friends with stuff and it was funny,too: the other day I'd asked the Google Home device about the weather and it said about the torrential rain and I said, Oh, shit! and it replied, Please don't talk to me like that! and my hubby said the 28 YR old and his BF will be moving in together first before they get married to see how well they get along living together even though they've been together for years and I feel badly for his devout Jehovah's Witness parents who must be mortified; first of all that he was even dating a creepy Goth girl, and then that she "transitioned" to male and now that they'll be shacking up without being married  and it makes me wonder if it's kids' job to disappoint their parents? My hubby also said once I'm "gone" him and the 17 YR old are going to move and in a couple of years or so the 29 YR old plans to buy out his boss' business once he retires and move closer to Toronto and he even asked "how long" I think I'll be around for, making me wonder if he's maybe even planning to kill me, but when I die it will be better for everyone though; they'll finally be rid of me and can  sell the house,move on and start over and I'll finally be free of this life.

Everything is an illusion and life is a stage and we're all actors just playing a role.