Bipolar 1 disorder has had me gripped in its talons since I was 15. I am now 71 and not doing any better, but doing worse every day despite many med. changes and years of therapy.
It is truly disheartening.
Bipolar disorder wrecked my education completely, and I was never able to hold down a good job (like many people in my position). As soon as my family discovered I had this illness you couldn’t see them for dust. I have only one brother left who stands by me no matter what shit I throw at him. Without him, I would be alone in a sinking boat.
I made a holy mess of three marriages because of my bipolar disorder; lying in bed all day for weeks, then jumping over the moon with uncontrollable mania, and now that the ‘happy’ manic days are long gone I am left with being in a permanent state of rage, rage, rage every single day. Luckily, I live alone and only get mad with myself. But I have got through many phones because they don’t like being thrown against the wall very much.
I cannot make or keep friendships going. I have no idea why, but have to suspect that my bipolar disorder scoots them off just like my family before them. I rack my brains over this issue daily and always come up wanting.
My bipolar 1 (the only type of the disease that has mania) has totally ruined every holiday I have ever taken. It is a guarantee that as soon as I leave my house and go anywhere I shall be desperately ill and muck up the holiday for me and everybody else around me. It is not seen as grateful to be unable to get out of bed for days in somebody’s house, and they lose respect for me rather quickly when I start screaming and hollering which is something that comes hand in hand with mania.
My life is one big struggle and I am totally sick of it.
However, I am a very creative person and have done many creative things in my life. The only problem with this is I am only creative during my manic episodes - out come all the books, paints, brushes, poetry and literary projects, DIY tools and whatever else takes my fancy - then before I know it I have so many ideas bombarding my brain at once that I soon have ten or more projects on the go, piles of things all over the house, ladders and tools at the ready.
This is all very well when I am manic because I can accomplish an enormous amount of things, but as soon as the mania is suddenly over, the next day I am back in bed with depression and cannot even think clearly enough to make a cup of coffee. All the projects sit in piles for months, unfinished.
I am still working on myself, daily. I have had therapy for more years than I can remember and apply myself to any number of things hoping that my life will become more manageable, but so far it is just a mess.
Today I am very thankful to feel pretty well, but then there’s always the fear of what is in store for me tomorrow, so it is never easy to relax. With bipolar disorder comes chronic anxiety and panic attacks, at least for me, so it is never easy to live a normal life and sleep is usually a waking dream.
I do make a huge effort to manage my days wisely, and perhaps it does some good, but even then it is annoying that people with bipolar can never let their guard down. If you aren’t forever looking over your shoulder, you can be sure the bipolar Gods will send a new thunderbolt to crush you while you sleep.
8/15/20 … UPDATE
Thank you for reading this till the end. I just re read it myself and realize how drastically things have changed over the past year for me. I finally found the right medication after many years of trying. Now I feel quite different, hopeful and happy. I no longer have problems with friendships and have completely stopped worrying about it. My life is on an even keel now and I hardly have a ‘bipolar day’. The reason for this big change is getting the right medication and having good therapy. I wish you luck.
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