Anniversary.

Today is our anniversary. I can't believe it's been 36 years! Holy f*ck does that ever make me feel old! We've been together for most of my adult life! My hubby gave me this cool pop-up sunflower card( shown here) he said he found when he was in BC months ago and it reminds me of those 3D German fairytale books I had as a kid that popped up and it had 3D castles, etc, only the German versions of the fairytales didn't have the same happy endings the ones here do. Last night I also did an updated post on my mother's most recent update and my visit called Lingering so if you wanted an update it's there from last night, and every morning I'm nervous when I wake up,too, to see if the hospital called during the night leaving an ominous message on the answering machine  and relieved when there's nothing there, glad my mother's survived another night but I dread one time they DO call saying she's either slipped into a coma or they've had to intubate her or she's finally died.and the 30 YR old hasn't gone in to see her and I think he's one of those people that just can't "handle" it; can't see someone critical in the ICU and would prefer to just remember her the way she was?Either that or he just doesn't care. The next time I visit her I think I'll also bring some nailpolish and paint her nails,too, just a small gesture to "perk" her up for the times she is aware, esp. as her nails have grown so long now.

The second-oldest was also going thru some old photos and I saw this one here from 2005 with my hubby, the now 21 and 23 YR olds, and moi. I still remember that day,too; it was when we had returned to the Catholic Church after a few years in others and we had them baptized. Now it feels like everything's coming to an end,too, with the kids all grown and most of them cutting me out of their lives and now the 30 YR old's( this is his last week of work too for a couple of months while his boss heals from knee replacement) boss isn't growing any more extra weed so my supply is gone and I'll have to buy it all now(not just the doobies but the dried flower,too), and both Buddy and my mother won't be alive for too much longer now,either, and their life span is coming to an end soon ,and I only have an income until the end of March once the youngest turns 18, and there's nothing left for me to do or to look forward to,anymore now,either; everything's already been done

 I've been ready to go for quite awhile now, and I also decided once the house is transferred over to me I'll go back to a lawyer and re-do my will so it's only in my name and so my hubby can't snatch it out from under me and sell it  and force me out of my home and when I die everything( house, whatever's in my bank account, such as it is) will just be divided out between the oldest and the 30 YR old(and not annyone else) because they're the only ones that acknowledge me in life or even bother to call or send me cards on my birthday or Mother's Day,etc. or visit me when they're in town,etc. so why would I leave the others anything when I'm gone?

It works both ways.

They don't acknowledge me as their mother in life so I don't acknowledge them as my heirs in death,either.

I also like this tie-dye shirt (I have the same Jesus sandals,too!)and I can still remember a photo my mother had of me in 1969 when I was 2 wearing my rainbow tie-dye shirt (I've always been a hippie!)and I still have a few of them and remember too when I was 20 or so and Babushka visited us in Ottawa and her, my mother, and I ALL wore tie-dye shirts downtown, and next week my hubby has time off work until the New Year and him and the boys also have a New Year's Eve party with their Dungeons & Dragons group, and he sees the dentist today for his tooth,and the Feds ordered the striking( for 4 weeks now!) postal workers back to work tomorrow; they got too greedy and ended up with nothing.

Serves them right.

It's also going up to 7 C and rain(ugh)today but later in the week dropping down again and -maybe-snow.

I hope so for Christmas.

My whole life I've always had false hope but it's the only thing that keeps me going.