Fearful.

These big pretty floral works of art( look, one is even a sunflower!!) were in the patient family lounge in the ICU and it's "funny" how whenever there's a hospital crisis for a loved one I always seem to find a piece of art that I can focus on, distract me,soothe, and ground me. The one below is also probably the biggest painting and frame I have ever seen and it's even bigger than I am! I called the hospital last night for an update on my mother before I went to bed ,too,and they said she's still drowsy( not surprising considering low oxygen) but she was talking, something she wasn't able to do when I was there(they literally wanted her to save her breath) and she knew where she was and what year it is so she isn't delirious(like she was before with her kidney infection) which is a good sign and kept asking for food and drink which they can't give her with the breathing issues for risk she'll aspirate and they swab her mouth for dryness instead( and she has IV fluids so she's not really dehydrated) but they said she hates it and loudly protests it which sounds like her cranky old self so hopefully that in itself shows she's improving. It's really scary though just by being in the ICU alone means she's really critical  and most people in ICU don't come out, so there'a also that, and I'd hoped I'd never have to reach that point in my adult life where I'd have to bury my mother and she's been here with me my whole life.

I hope to go back and visit her again today but we also have a snowstorm warning and weather advisory with 10-15 cm of snow(the 28 YR old's expecting 50-60 cm!) and now I'm so stressed-out, anxious,and worried my body's in auto-pilot and I'm barely functioning and just "going thru the motions"; I have zero appetite, I feel cold and numb and sick to my stomach all the time now and I retch and dry-heave and feel dizzy and faint all the time and my mind has gone to mush (I wondered why my heater wasn't working and realized I'd plugged in the radio instead)and I just hope I don't start hallucinating like I often do under extreme stress, and they have my mother on epinephrine as well and her laboured breathing also sounded like Buddy snoring, and glad they didn't have to intubate her as they said her BP was already so low if they put her on a ventilator it would lower it even more and so much so that it would kill her. My God, this is all just so scary and even though she IS 83 and I know everyone has to die at some point I wasn't expecting it now and it just came so fast out of nowhere, but what if she's just the decoy; the diversion, the distraction; everyone's worried about her thinking she might die and I actually end up the one that dies and she recovers?All this stress can't be good for my already sky-high BP!!

 It's always the one you least expect.

We also had to leave so quickly yesterday morning I didn't even have time to put deoderant on and the 17 YR old was still asleep so when he woke up it was only Buddy here and he would wonder where everyone went but later when I asked him he said he just thought we went to Wal-Mart or something but at least he wasn't worried, and now we can't pay our bills,either, as they're in my mother's name and we just pay them online out of her bank account except her bank card expired and we never noticed....until we tried paying bills and the account was locked so I just pretended on the phone  and said I was her to verify(and I know the answers to their questions) but they asked me for the card number and I couldn't see the numbers( because I'm practically blind!) and struggled to read them and they thought I was a scammer and hung up on me so now my hubby has to go to the bank and see what to do since she's in the ICU and can't go down there, and the 30 YR old said he's probably not going up with my hubby and the 17 YR old to visit the girls in BC,afterall, so it will be he, Buddy and I here but we get along ok,so it will still be a nice quiet break, and the 23 YR old visited the Edmonton Boys and said their entire apt. stinks like weed so when they go they'll have to stay at a motel, and I think I have a cold now: sore, swollen throat, all congested, the baaad headache, and the cough's even worse.

F*ck.

I probably got it from visiting my mother at the LTC home. That place(like schools and daycares) is like a petri dish.

Amnesty International also declared Israel's warcrimes in Gaza genocide against the Palestinian people and that's really impactful and saying something coming from them, and really says alot and speaks volumes, and I came across a possibility for my symptoms as well: Lupus, an auto-immune disease that would explain the red "sunburnt"-look I get on my nose and cheeks alot I thought was just "hot flashes" from menopause but alsothat itchy  rash when I first go out in the sun every season as well(also common to it) and my joint, muscle and abdomenal pain, fatigue, high BP, brain "fog", etc. so it does make me wonder, and my hubby got this MCCain cake on sale too and it brought back a memory of us in the beginning 36 years ago when we used to sit up in bed and share the cake, eating it with a fork right out of the container like a couple of savages. So much has happened(and happened to us) since then that has irreparably changed, and broken us.

I close my eyes Only for a moment, and the moment's gone All my dreams Pass before my eyes, a curiosity Dust in the wind All they are is dust in the wind.-Kansas