Last night at 4:26 exactly 24 HRS after my mother died I lit all my candles as a vigil and I still can't really believe that she's actually gone; the enormity and reality of it still hasn't really set in yet and I'm still numb and in a state of shock. Just because no one has seen me cry though doesn't mean that I haven't; I just do it in private, behind closed doors(never let them see you cry), and everyone grieves differently,too,in their own way,and me, I retreat and just prefer to be alone. This is also the hardest and worst part of being an adult as well, losing my mother, and last night I had a dream her and I were back in Toronto where I grew up, walking around downtown trying to find the Air Canada Centre but couldn't find it and she just couldn't walk another step and laid down on the sidewalk and had a heart-attack and died.She's always been a tough old bird and a fighter but even a warrior eventually reaches a point where they fight their final battle.
I don't expect anyone will be thoughtful enough either to think to send me any sympathy floral arrangements during my grieving because no one gives a shit,esp. not about me, and one of the hardest things too is that we'll never be able to share a joke, a laugh, gossip about her fave. celebs, or updates on relatives or TV shows,( for example Linda Lavin, Olivia Hussey and Jimmy Carter just died and I would have wanted to tell her...but then realized she'd probably already know before me)...and then realize she's not here anymore, ever again, and for my birthday(Saturday, I turn 58) we'd normally go to our fave. Italian restaurant( as well as for hers and for Mother's Day and to the Chinese buffet on Family Day,too) but now I'll just have to order-in and it just won't be the same.
Today I'm also going to the LTC home for the last time too to gather up her things which I know will be a very hard and emotional day and will make it seem and feel even more real, and I pray for strength to get thru it and I also have an app't on Thurs. with the funeral home which will be hard as well; even though it's already all been pre-arranged as her executor I still have to go and sign release forms and sign contracts,etc. and they said she'll be creamted sometime around the 8th of Jan.(and then I will bring her ashes back for her final journey home) which surprised me as I expected sooner( and she'll just be in the "freezer" until then) and I try NOT to think about the cremation process but at the same time I tell myself that it's just her physical body ; the earthly shell that she's discarded and no longer needs anymore since she's already left as her spirit/soul has already departed and she's now alive in spirit form on the Other Side and when I feel sad I also remind myself that she's in a better place now and that she's happy and at peace and it makes me feel better and know that when my Time comes( which I hope is soon) she'll be waiting for me, and this morning I was woken up by this massive headache as well(I still have) likely due to stress or high BP or both.
It was also 13 C yesterday and Niagara Falls even got up to 17 C (at the end of December if you can believe it) and we got 35 mm of rain and all the snow is gone but we're supposed to get more on Wednesday as it drops back down cold to more seasonal temps, and last night smoking mi ganja the burnt ash part at the end of the doobie came off and fell down the sleeve cuff of my coat all the way down my arm burning a hole all the way down thru the sleeve of my shirt and burning my arm and boy, did that ever hurt like f*ck and I almost set myself on fire but I had the instinct to just stamp it ot with my hand. Even though I DO want to die and am ready to die I don't particularly want to burn to death though.
This is also my fave. dish that always makes me smile, and now I need all I can get, and I saw online yesterday a Dachshund that turned 26 and sad,too: a woman who just had twins died of heart complications, and I also found out my old friend A ( from Ottawa I knew since I was 19 but he de-friended me when I refused the Covid clot-shot, throwing away over 30 years of friendship just like that) and his wife had their second child in October,too, a boy, so now they have one of each which is nice, and now Israel also bombed yet another hospital in Gaza and the airport in Yemen too, and while UN workers were there waiting for a flight,too, and that Netanyahu(SATANyahu) has prostate cancer and is now in the hospital for surgery and normally I'd feel badly for him but in this case it's karma and it couldn't happen to a more deserving guy.
I was also shocked, saddened, and horrified to see this most-recent photo of the 28 YR old and I can't believe that this is my kid. You'd think at 28 he's too old to still do the "Punk" thing and the spiked dog collar, face piercings and hand tattoos are just....well, freakish and gross. I also noticed this morning 9-10 or so raised bumps on my yoo-hoo while I was shaving The Beaver that look like warts....did my cheating bastard hubby give me an STD? He's the only one I've ever been with and I've been suspicious for a long time now he's had a mistress, and now this!
WTF?
The bastard!
I've never had an STD in my life! I'm too old for this shit! F*ck!!
Get a dog and a bag of reefer and enjoy life.-Roger Ramjet Rambo
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