Lingering.

I visited my mother who is still just lingering. Her BP, fevers, oxygen,kidneys, etc. are still on and off with the reality being that it's really just the machines, tubes, etc. maintaining them and once they try and remove them and "test" to see how she can maintain on her own they crash again so it's either going to be a really long recovery or a slow,lingering death but I just hope that it's not all for nothing; all this lingering and staying "stuck" all this time(as opposed to just getting on with it quickly) if she just ends up dying anyway, and now she also  has C-Difficile (like she had last summer after her kidney infection) again, too, on top of the pneumonia, E-Coli, sepsis, and kidney failure, so how many hits can she possibly take? She also can't cough on her own anymore her chest is so congested and they have to suction her chest secretions out (that means a tube down her throat all the way into her lungs.Ouch)and she still has the NG tube, catheter, IV's and is drowsy and only opens her eyes and is awake briefly and she kept asking me when Christmas was and I asked her again if she still  wants to live and to keep fighting and she said yes, and the second-oldest said when she saw her yesterday she was mumbling something about either My parents are waiting for me or I  have to meet my parents; something along those lines and I *know* what that means:

She's preparing to cross over to the Other Side  and they're waiting for her.

Maybe the reason she's "lingering" and holding on so long before she goes  though is she needs that time to maybe prepare herself spiritually ?

Or, maybe it's for us;maybe we need more time to accept the inevitable?

They also put these booties on her feet(it reminds me of those puffy Moon Boots in the 80's) and the nurse was mad at me for taking photos but I was thinking, Well, f*ck you,Missy; I photograph life and life's moments and my mother's on her deathbed and I want to have memories. I can't even donate a kidney to her,either, because mine are in such "sad" shape,too. Our family doesn't do so well when it comes to gallbladders, colons, and kidneys. The second-oldest also said she did a video-chat call-thingy with her sisters still in BC at the hospital when she visited yesterday so my mother would know they were "there" and so they could see her and is going to do the same with the "Edmonton Boys" as well the next time she sees her, and I asked her if the 21 and 23 YR olds have BFs yet and she wouldn't tell me(like it's some big secret or something) and said I have to ask them even though they never tell me anything( no one ever tells me anything) but when I asked if are they at least happy  she said they are so that's what really matters and she said they all like living in BC,too. I also got freaked out when I got to my mother's room,too: they had the intubation cart right outside her door and my heart just sank  and I feared they were intubating her and then I knew The End was near but luckily it wasn't (even though she is on some kind of oxygen mask where I can see a cool mist) that just happened to be the spot the cart was parked.

Holy shit though!

I also saw this, an assignment(either for school or church, I'm not sure, I don't remember) from the 25 YR old when she little, age 9 or so and it made me smile....until I read it and she described everyone else in her life in such glowing terms...but for me all she said was 

Mama is.....Mama.

That was it.

Nothing nice, kind, or loving.

Maybe she's always hated me?(but for what?)

She also went back home after coming up to see my mother for a few days and never did once stop by to see me.

She did the same last Christmas; she came up to visit my mother in the LTC home but never came by the house to visit me.

What a bitch.

My hubby and I also went out for our anniversary( which is tomorrow) dinner and I got a cheese and spinach dip with pita wedges. and my hubby said he doesn't expect my mother to survive,either, and he doesn't even come into the room with me to see her,either( the 30 YR old has never visited her in the ICU yet) but just waits in the waiting room and she's retaining sooooo much fluid her arms and hands are soooo swollen the skin is stretched out sooo tight it looks like it's going to split, and my friend F( from grade 6) also saw The Lion King  musical which I'd like to see (as well as Come From Away) and my cousin's( the one who I gave all my Barbies to as a kid) daughter (age 24) is shacking up with a guy whose last name is Kennedy  and I wonder if he's any relation to THE Kennedys?

Someone also posted online saying they say this gingerbread man toy and thought it was so "ugly" they felt "sorry" for it and bought it but I think it's cute and I would buy it, and I think it's mean they think it's ugly, and there's alot of unidentified flying things in USA lately as well and people are all freaking about about alien invasions, Armageddon, etc. that it's UFO's and wouldn't it BE the strangest thing ever if it was because of USA planning on colonizing Mars; that taking over the world isn't enough  for them; now they want to take over the entire universe,TOO, and someone(little green men from Mars,ha,ha) isn't too happy about it? I actually think it's probably most likely gov't /military drones though, probably doing surveillance or something.

I think I'm on my way Oh, it hurts to live today Oh and she says "Don't you wish you were dead like me?"-Theory Of A Deadman