Today is NYE already; it just sort of snuck up on me as I was busy and distracted with other matters and it's never really been a big deal for me,anyway, just like any other day, and I'm always asleep by Midnight,anyway, and I never could figure out what the Big Deal was about NYE, and I'm just always glad to see another year end( good riddance!)and this year the best thing was the Billy Idol and ELO concerts I went to and the worst was, of course, my mother dying, and I still can't believe she's gone and I just sort of thought she'd always be here in my life because she always was and now I just sort of walk around numb, in a fog in a state of shock and I don't really think the reality has hit me yet.
Now the only link to my past is gone.
For the past couple of days I also often feel a cool breeze inside the house( with no windows or doors open) I'd like to think is my mother stopping by to say hi, and I've had lots of dreams lately as well that something BIG spiritually is coming soon to the world,too, like maybe perhaps Jesus' return or Armageddon or something? I also don't care which faith my kids follow and worship( Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, etc.) either, just as long as they love and follow and obey God but sadly now they've abandoned Him but I still continue to pray for their return.
It's never too late.
Yesterday I also went to the LTC home for the last time to collect my mother's stuff and my hubby had to come with me afterall as there was just too much stuff for me to carry on my own(I'd only brought 3 bags thinking that was enough but I actually ended up needing 6 bags plus a big garbage bag; I never knew she had so much stuff!) and he had more bags in the car and he also needed the dolley for the dresser and chair, which we donated to St.Vincent De Paul charity as it would just be too painful seeing her fave. chair back in the livingroom empty. It was hard seeing her empty bed in the room too but it was a bit easier by just pretending she was out in the diningroom or at an activity, and I brought home crafts she had made( see the photo above) and kept them (I have one of her painted rocks next to my computer)just like she did with art I made when I was a kid(it's like our roles have been reversed now) and having some of her stuff as memories at home here also makes it feel like a part of her is still here with us.
These are also photos of the kids we have left and of us(plus I also added hers,too) she had on her wall I now have displayed on the wall in the rec-room near my computer and the funeral guy called me yesterday too saying he wants to see me earlier( maybe their freezers aren't working or something and she's starting to decomp and they want to cremate sooner and need my signature?) instead of my original app't on Thursday so he's actually coming here, to the house, today( which is better,actually, than the original plan of me having to go there, as it makes it feel less "real", I just hope they don't charge me extra for) and I always refer to it by name ,too, instead of as The Funeral Home because it sounds less "death-like" and I'm esp. glad to still have Buddy here with me,too, as I need his love and need him to help me heal and I can't imagine losing him now,too, and he's the only reason I even have to still keep living!
My hubby taunts me I'll "live to my 80's"...oh, God, no, I sure hope NOT! and that he'll put me in an Home,too, so he can finally sell the house and he's just so heartless and cruel and I told him he won't even have to wait that long because once Buddy's gone that's it for me.The only one that might have even cared slightly when I die was my mother anyway and now she's gone so there's no issue and now she'll be waiting for me on the Other Side.I also think it's easier for us to adjust to her not being here since she wasn't living here in the house with us anyway for the past 16 months so I just saw her once a week anyway.
Yesterday the dress my hubby ordered for my Christmas gift also finally came, 5 days late, and it's ok but the pockets aren't the way I wanted(and looked like on the photo) though; it was supposed to be one big pocket across the front(like a hoodie) but ended up being 2 pockets on the side instead but at least the colour was right( light grey) and it fit so it's ok, and I'm used to settling and being disappointed; it's the story of my life,and I just sort of expect it now, and when I look back, I sort of knew right from the beginning my mother WAS dying as well(I just didn't want to admit it, plus I wanted to hold out some hope she still might recover,too)
Once she stopped eating and needed the NG tube I knew the dying process had already begun as the digestive system is always the first thing to shut down( as digestion takes alot of work) and then (despite a few improvements here and there) when she just stayed the same and never really got any better or showed any signs of recovery and was always so drowsy and slept most of the time and hardly even opened her eyes(also as the body prepares for death)...in my heart I always knew, I just didn't want to admit it. and now I'm so glad I gave her the flowers she loved so much when she was alive, despite my hubby saying they "cost too much" and were a "waste of $$$" .
I have stopped moving while the world, around me, continues to do so.-Naoise McCabe
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