Sunset.

My mother's still here; I'm surpised she made it thru the night,actually( see my most recent post last night about her)  and to be honest I just want this whole thing to be over; it's just sooo stressful and taking such a toll on me; it's so overwhelming  and even the mere thought of losing both her and Buddy together at the same time or just days apart will just be too  much and will just break my heart and I'll likely die too just from the overwhelming grief and sorrow. I also have to force myself to go to the ICU as well it's just so awful(and I don't really like the staff there,either), so horrible, so depressing,and so discouraging, esp. seeing her like that(and not even really aware I'm there) and just not ever getting any better or improving, but you also can't always tell by looking ,either; even though she looks really bad when I had liver failure with Obstetric Cholestasis  prego with the youngest  they didn't even believe me when I went to the hospital certain I had it based on my symptoms as they said I "didn't look and act sick enough" and if I really was that sick I'd "just be laying there in bed and not talking" but sure enough the bloodwork came back positive.....I was right.....I guess I just carry my pain well.

Maybe she's just the opposite? Maybe she just looks worse than she actually is,and she's always been one for drama.....or, she really is dying and that's why she looks like shit.Either way, this is just sooooo hard on me I think I'm going to crack.

This morning at 6 am I also saw the 30 YR old and his GF sneaking into his room even though he knows how I feel about that; that I don't like him bringing his dirty fornication into my house and it's not a bordello(can't they take it to her house or get a room somewhere?) and it hurts and angers me as well that no one ever respects me or the rules of my home, and the second-oldest goes back today as well she seems happy about and the feeling is mutual and my hubby has no problem driving her (or any of the kids) to the airport,either, yet it's always such a big hassle and inconvenience for him to take me, and she said she went to a Pride parade as well(which is really no different than a strip show), where half-naked people flaunt sin and it really disappoints me too how the kids turned out as adults and so opposite to the godly way I raised them.They've turned away from both me and God.

I also joke that if Theodore The Tugboat went gangsta he'd be Theodore The THUG Boat and I realized as well( after reading online when the same thing happened to someone else and seeing other people's  horrified reactions) that when my hubby and the kids tell me I'm usesless and no one loves me or wants me around and I should just go kill myself and do everyone a favour that it's actually abuse and yet all this time it never really "registered" that it was; I've just been so "conditioned" to being treated like that and talked to like that , put down, demeaned and devalued I just sort of accepted it as normal.

You can’t hold on to what’s not yours.-Esosa