Sunset.

Sunrise: 11 July 1941

Sunset: 28 December 2024

It's over.

She's gone.

My mother died at 4:26 pm today, at sunset.

At first it was even hopeful: I was talking to the doctor in the morning who said she'd been transferred out  of the ICU just last night onto the regular ward ...but then this morning she was running a fever and her urine was "murkey", indicating infection, most likely a UTI, or in her bladder or kidneys, likely from having the catheter in for 3weeks so they took urine and blood cultures, which later came back to be sepsis.

Again.

What a stressful and emotional up-and-down rollercoaster.

Last night she was better and then today they had to more than double her oxygen levels( even though she was off the Opti-Flow and just on a regular oxygen mask) from 1 L up to 5 L and she was more alert last night and less responsive today and still has the NG tube but her chest X-ray looked good but the doc also cautioned that she "wasn't 'out of the woods' and that the next 24- 48 HRS would show us "which way" it was headed....

and then: not too long after:

(read from the bottom up)

My heart is hurting and sad so much now.

It just struck me that I don't have a mother anymore.

I'm an orphan now.

She has always been the one constant in my life and now she's gone.

At least I have some solace knowing that she's at peace now and with God(maybe that was why I had a dream last night  I was talking to my dead aunt,too?) and she'll be having a nice reunion with her parents, grandparents, and fave. aunt, etc. and no longer just laying there with tubes and wires attached but not really  living, and I know I did the right thing by having them fight for her but in the end it was just her Time and I'm thankful God gave me these last 3 weeks and one day to prepare(because that way I expected it and knew it was coming) and I hate to say it, but in a way it's also a relief that it's over.

No more worry about how she's doing each day, if she's still alive, or waiting for that dreaded call, or wondering how long it's going to go on for, or if she'll ever recover or just stay like that and for how long, and no more ever having to go back to that place I hate ever again.

It's over.

She's free.

She wasn't even dead for 90 minutes either and my ASSHOLE hubby was already asking about getting the house legally transferred over to my name and I told him it doesn't really matter (since I'm her heir and I'm already living  here anyway so for all intents and purpose it already IS my house now,anyway) and it would only be an issue if I wanted to sell ( which I DON'T )

and he's *NOT* going to force me to or to kick me,out,either!!!

This is probably one of the *WORST*  and most callous  things he has ever done.

How am I supposed to live without her though?  I feel like I really and truly am all alone in the world now .I also feel extra badly too now she's dead for never being good enough and now she's gone. I  forgive her for everything,too, despite everything she's done because in the end I know it mustn't have been easy to raise a child on her own and she did the best she could with what she knew and had at the time, just like we all do and that's all any of us can ever do..

I never want to lose my link to an earlier and happier life.

My mother just literally died 90 minutes ago and my ASSHOLE hubby is already asking about transferring the house over to my name. F*CK him. and I'm NOT selling or moving no matter what.