Daily Musing.

 

Gimme A Break!

I came across this photo of my mother 20 years ago and at the time she was just a few years older than I am now. Tomorrow( which is also my 58th birthday) it will also be exactly a week since she died(even though it feels much,much longer!) and also my first birthday without her and it would be nice if I died tomorrow on my birthday,too,  and with me always being so exhausted all the time I must have either some kind of cancer or heart or kidney failure,and I'm sure by now she's had her Life Review and probably now in spirit form looks younger, like how she looked when I was growing up, short, thin and petite,with curly black hair and big glasses that turned brown tinted in the sun although I suppose on the Other Side she wouldn't need glasses though because you're healed.Looking back, I can also see she was showing signs of decline for the past 3 years or so,too; being incontinent, tripping, falling down the stairs, memory issues, needing a walker, forgetting words, being forgetful, then being unable to dress or bathe herself, and now every time I see old ladies it makes me sad too because it reminds me of her.

Yesterday I also went to the bank to clear out the safety deposit box...only it was empty and the bank said their records show that in 2012 someone had already cleared it out except only her and I had a key and neither of us did it.....so who was it(was it my hubby,maybe, always wanting to sell the house from under us?), and now where is her will and the deed to the house? So now they're investigating and so then I had to go to City Hall to see if I could find a copy of the deed only they said they don't have it there and I had to go all the way to another town 20 min. away  to the Land Registry Office they sent me to so I did and then they said they no longer have it,either, it was just a Service Ontario office,and after all that to just do it online! 

 All that for nothing!Why can't anything ever just work out and go right for me and always be so hard? I swear I have the worst "luck" ever and must be a jinx! I also had to pee really badly but the bathroom was locked  but luckily a janitor was there and he let me in, saying they keep it locked because junkies OD in there and they  got tired of finding them dead. Finally my hubby went online, paid a 40$ fee and we got a copy of the deed, and as for the will I guess it's no problem anyway since I'm her only child and heir and we only need the deed if we're going to sell which I'm not. On the way home my hubby's back car light also broke and he had to get a new light.

F*ck.

The 25 YR old and her BF also sent these nice flowers yesterday and I couldn't help but notice it wasn't addressed to me, but rather "To The House" even though it WAS my mother that died, and it's kind of ironic too she always hated white flowers as they reminded her of death and funerals although in this case it's appropriate, and they even came with a cool Mason jar vase I can re-use later, and I thought I'd have enough $$$ finally for the euthanasia clinic in Switzerland  for me as well once Buddy dies.....until I had to pay 3K yesterday for the home insurance, so now I don't and I'm back to being poor again so I guess I'll just have to keep trying myself until I finally get it right( being poor really sucks!) and last night I sat out on the back porch smoking me a J and looking up at the starlit sky and I saw a shooting star I'd like to think was a sign from my mother that she's OK, and I can still remember too when I was 15 how she let me transfer schools because I was being bullied, and how every Saturday we'd go to the falafel place  on Yonge St.for lunch so I could stare at the hot 17 YR old Lebanese guy who worked there I had a crush on and those are the kind of things that I like to remember most.

I also notice lately that I'm peeing more and leak and "dribble" more as well (and my back reeeaaally hurts,too)so maybe I have a UTI or bladder or kidney infection, and I was sweaty in bed overnight even though I just had a T-shirt on, and I might  finally be beginning to "crack" now after almost a week under the pressure of it as well as I notice now I'm losing things and am more forgetful and my brain is just "mush" the past few days and last night the 30 YR old also just took my parka(again) without even asking; he just takes whatever he wants, and he said something about me "yelling at his GF" when I was yelling at him and he's just so disrespectful and inconsiderate of me, my things,and my house rules and it's straining our relationshiop now, esp. since he's become so obsessed with his GF and fornicating in the house despite my objections, and I think it might also be time he moves out and gets his own place, and this morning my hubby told him he had to have the car back(him and his GF were out all night) so he could be at pickleball by 8am and it was 7:45 am and he still wasn't back yet and he was getting mad and told me if he didn't return it in time he'd charge him for a taxi and ban him from using the car for a week....At his age he's certainly old enough to be responsible.

Let you cut me open just to watch me bleed Gave up who I am for who you wanted me to be Don't know why I'm hoping for what I won't receive Falling for the promise of the emptiness machine.-Linkin Park

 

Today's Pondering.

 

Numbness And Grief.

I saw this photo of this Orthodox Jewish woman and I could tell by the look on her face how sad she is. It just shows. You can tell she's unhappy in life and she looks on the outside how I always feel on the inside and it broke my heart because I know excatly how she feels. (Her hubby also looks alot like my hubby when he was younger,too) You can see it in her eyes. I still mostly just feel numb, shock and disbelief over my mother's death though more so than sadness or grief because to be truthful she really wasn't nice to me,  and now it also sort of feels like I'm finally "free",and once I had kids of my own she took over, over-stepped boundaries with my kids, pushed me out and replaced me,treating me cruelly, and ruined not only our relationship( which had once been close when I was younger) but my relationship with my kids as well, and to be honest, I'll be much more sadder and have more sorrow,grief, and loss when Buddy dies because he's a much bigger part of my life,the only one that loves me, and is the only reason I still hold on and my only reason to live and all I have left now. He's also been really thirsty lately,too,(so I hope it's not diabetes) and last night he kept making these weird gaaacccking noises as well and now he just pees on the carpet all the time,too, and once he's gone I'll have nothing left anymore.

He is my entire world.

Today I also have to go to the bank to clear out my mother's safety deposit box before they close down her account and once Buddy dies I'll book a one-way trip to Switzerland to the euthanasia clinic to end it once and for all; I've tried to several times before myself but it never works(I'm such a loser I can't even kill myself properly!) so I guess some things you just need a professional  for, to make sure it's done right, and at least that way I know it'll finally succeed and I also won't have to die in this Shithole, either, but back in Europe(where I've always loved) and if I still have enough $$$ I'll book a First Class airfare,too, because it'll be my last trip(making it 40 countries I've been to) so I might as well really enjoy  it and go  all the way and go out with a 'bang." Yesterday I also saw the plum pudding I got for my mother and that she wanted and asked me to get for her for Christmas but she sadly never got the chance to have and seeing it made me sad so I opened it up and had a piece dedicating it to her  in her honour but it was gross and no one else likes it either so I'll probably just end up giving it to the squirrels.

I also like this pillow, the same design as the dress my hubby ordered for my birthday( which is in just 2 days and I turn 58) gift and my hubby even said he'll come with  me too to my fave. Italian restaurant like my mother always did( as opposed to me just ordering-in like I'd planned) even though he doesn't like the food there( he said he'll just order soup) which I thought was oddly nice of him, and it worked out well he's off work this week too(God always looks after us) as he  needed the time off to take me around to wrap things up with my mother. Yesterday I also had really baaaad abdomenal,. stomach, and back pain as well I thought I was going to pass-out from the pain and my hubby found a big hole in the lawn as well with a tunnel that went to the house( from a gopher, perhaps, or maybe a skunk or rabbit den, or maybe the squrrels dug it?) he filled in with cement.The 30 YR old's boss also gave us a sympathy card which I thought was thoughtful and nice.

I also like this funky denim shirt, and one of my cousins in Europe got 2 cats,too( ewww!!) and I told her she should have got a dog instead as cats just piss on everything and scratch up your furniture,are basically freeloaders, and aren't loyal and loving like dogs, and the 30 YR old's GF stayed here all day yesterday as well( and they spent all day up in his room,too!) and it almost feels like she lives here now and it's really getting to be annoying, and on NYE for the party she brought THC edibles for him and her so at least she won't care that *I* smoke weed! They also found the so-called "Black Box"(which is actually a bright orange to make it easier to find!) from that crashed plane( and maybe it's those mysterious "drones" causing them to crash lately?HA!) and it makes me wonder too since they're made of indestructible material that always survives a crash then why don;t they just make the entire plane out of the same material, and people were also so quick to assume that the guy that did the attack on NYE in New Orleans "must" have been an immigrant too even though it turns out he was born in USA and was even in the Army, but the fact is that most Americans(like Canadians) are from immigrant backgrounds, regardless(unless they're Indigenous) like my friend( the 30 YR old's ex-GF's mother) who is of Swiss heritage.

One thing I *REALLY*  hate  are racist assholes!

"Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

 

Wordless Wednesday.

 

Laff For The Day.

 

A Life Remembered.

Happy New Year....yeah, right.

I slept thru it as usual and woke up at 12:15. I also wore my mother's PJ's(shown here, nice and fuzzy, soft & warm) and they still had her smell on it,too, which was both comforting and sad at the same time. It felt like I was being wrapped up  in a nice warm hug even though she never hugged me.My hubby also took the outdoor Christmas lights down yesterday and now the house just looks so bare, so empty, so naked and when I got up this morning it was raining,too(yuck!) and Buddy refused to pee outside and just turned right around and came back in and peed on the kitchen floor, but it has now turned to snow and I still can't believe it's only been 4 days since my mother died; it feels so much longer and it still feels like I'm walking around in a daze, and my Facebook friend also had her mother's funeral yesterday and I appreciate the kind words and support from friends,too, esp. my friend in Australia and the 30 YR old's ex-GF's mother who was from California but now lives in North Carolina, and I will always remember the kindness of others as well, such as the doctor in the last minutes of my mother's life who kept me informed and the funeral home staff.It really means alot. So far I've been holding up well,too, stoic, strong, and holding it all together and being able to deal with everything without falling apart....so far, anyway.

“Don’t tell Mom” is probably one of the oldest phrases known to mankind. Often said after the fact - hair askew, possibly bruised and bleeding, torn clothes, wide eyed, and panting from the near death experience.-Sed Chapman

Yesterday I also met with the funeral home people and it was 2012 my mother had her plans all pre-arranged and pre-paid and in doing so saved 2K as opposed to the price it would have been today( she paid just over 3K at the time) and that shit's just sooooo expensive I can't even afford  to die, and apparantly I'll also be getting a 2500$ death benefit as a beneficiary too which will certainly help and now I'll have enough $$$ when the time comes to be able to go to the euthanasia clinic in Switzerland when Buddy dies , and I got her death certificate and her urn will be marble and weigh 8 pounds( ironic that in death you weigh roughly the same you do at birth) and be heavy so I'll have to put her on a wooden shelf and not on the glass shelf like I was originally planning, and they were asking if they could put info on my father as well and I said noooooo! She'd just freak and be spinning in her grave so they left it out. I honour her wishes right to the end.They also gave me an "info pack" and said someone will call me next week about closing her bank, credit cards, transferring bills over to my name, etc. and I also have to go to the bank and her safety deposit box and take out her will and the deed to the house.

Daughters, once married and loaded down with a few children, a distant husband, and health problems of their own, are likely to see their mother with different eyes.-Katherine Margaret Schwab

I also made Ambrosia and I'm grateful now the mixer just whips the cream for 4-5 minutes instead of me having to actually stand there and beat it myself with the beaters like I used to have to, and I picked the disgusting grapes out because I hate grapes and I'm the one making it so my rules,and the last thing I said to my mother before she died too was, See ya later!  and I still will, on the Other Side, where she'll be waiting for me ( and it also makes me happy to think  her friends Auld, Rose, and Jean would have been there to greet her,too) even though I actually just meant in a few days at the time.

I feel completely failed by life, like life has turned into an enemy.

I also heard on the news this guy robbed a bank and when he tried to make his escape he found out someone had stolen his bike and he had to walk! HA! Is that karma, or what? It serves him right, ha,ha! Someone also posted online, Are there any White countries that don't have an immigration 'problem'? and I replied in my comment, Are there any White countries that don't have a racism problem? A bunch of Americans were also saying you shouldn't have dual citizenship and it's "treasonous" to USA and I told them  there's nothing wrong with loving more than one country and someone else posted, There's nothing wrong with being White and I replied, There's nothing wrong with NOT being White,either.

All things must pass.-George Harrison

We were all following our parents’ footsteps without realizing it.-Isaiah Pablo

Yesterday the 30 YR old also came back from his 2 day big job( and the client even paid for them to stay at a swanky hotel(that cost over 1K a night!!) and bought them a 90$ steak!) and he walked in with a bouquet of flowers( shown here) and I thought they were for me( esp. with my mother just dying)  so I was touched and gushed, Awwww. that's so sweet! Thanks! and he snatched them away and goes, They're NOT for YOU! and I felt so bad; it turned out it was for his GF (how sweet though!)but he was just going to give it to her boring and plain so I cut and arranged them and made a fancier vase for him to give to her, and he said they do IT 3-4 times a day (Holy Mother of God!)which shocked me and I think is excessive(they're like horny badgers, and she stayed overnight again,too, despite my objections; why can't they fornicate somewhere else?) and my hubby and I at our "peak" in our 20's just did IT 3-4 times a week!

I dreamed a dream in time gone by When hope was high and life worth living I dreamed that love would never die I dreamed that God would be forgiving.-Les Miserables

The guys also brought this food back from their potluck NYE party last night with their D&D friends and when I commented that in the photos I now have on the wall that the 28 YR old looks like a Punker and the 23 YR old looks like a vampire he said it was "mean" even though it was just an observation and I don't really care; I know they're adults and can do what they want, and they're the ones that have to look like that, but I can still have an opinion, and I don't have to necessarily like  it and am still allowed to express my displeasure, and I mean, really, what mother would be happy and like it if her kids looked like that?

Man makes your hair gray, he's your life's mistake All you're really lookin' for is an even break He lies right at you, you know you hate this game.-Alice Cooper

 

Wednesday Words.

Or in 10 years. Or even in 30 years.

I actually created this meme!

The only one who never has.

It works both ways.

2024

I wore my PJ's.

I was once out strolling one very hot summer's day When I thought I'd lay myself down to rest in a big field of tall grass I laid there in the Sun and felt it caressing my face As I fell asleep and dreamed.-War