Happy New Year....yeah, right.
I slept thru it as usual and woke up at 12:15. I also wore my mother's PJ's(shown here, nice and fuzzy, soft & warm) and they still had her smell on it,too, which was both comforting and sad at the same time. It felt like I was being wrapped up in a nice warm hug even though she never hugged me.My hubby also took the outdoor Christmas lights down yesterday and now the house just looks so bare, so empty, so naked and when I got up this morning it was raining,too(yuck!) and Buddy refused to pee outside and just turned right around and came back in and peed on the kitchen floor, but it has now turned to snow and I still can't believe it's only been 4 days since my mother died; it feels so much longer and it still feels like I'm walking around in a daze, and my Facebook friend also had her mother's funeral yesterday and I appreciate the kind words and support from friends,too, esp. my friend in Australia and the 30 YR old's ex-GF's mother who was from California but now lives in North Carolina, and I will always remember the kindness of others as well, such as the doctor in the last minutes of my mother's life who kept me informed and the funeral home staff.It really means alot. So far I've been holding up well,too, stoic, strong, and holding it all together and being able to deal with everything without falling apart....so far, anyway.
“Don’t tell Mom” is probably one of the oldest phrases known to mankind. Often said after the fact - hair askew, possibly bruised and bleeding, torn clothes, wide eyed, and panting from the near death experience.-Sed Chapman
Yesterday I also met with the funeral home people and it was 2012 my mother had her plans all pre-arranged and pre-paid and in doing so saved 2K as opposed to the price it would have been today( she paid just over 3K at the time) and that shit's just sooooo expensive I can't even afford to die, and apparantly I'll also be getting a 2500$ death benefit as a beneficiary too which will certainly help and now I'll have enough $$$ when the time comes to be able to go to the euthanasia clinic in Switzerland when Buddy dies , and I got her death certificate and her urn will be marble and weigh 8 pounds( ironic that in death you weigh roughly the same you do at birth) and be heavy so I'll have to put her on a wooden shelf and not on the glass shelf like I was originally planning, and they were asking if they could put info on my father as well and I said noooooo! She'd just freak and be spinning in her grave so they left it out. I honour her wishes right to the end.They also gave me an "info pack" and said someone will call me next week about closing her bank, credit cards, transferring bills over to my name, etc. and I also have to go to the bank and her safety deposit box and take out her will and the deed to the house.
Daughters, once married and loaded down with a few children, a distant husband, and health problems of their own, are likely to see their mother with different eyes.-Katherine Margaret Schwab
I also made Ambrosia and I'm grateful now the mixer just whips the cream for 4-5 minutes instead of me having to actually stand there and beat it myself with the beaters like I used to have to, and I picked the disgusting grapes out because I hate grapes and I'm the one making it so my rules,and the last thing I said to my mother before she died too was, See ya later! and I still will, on the Other Side, where she'll be waiting for me ( and it also makes me happy to think her friends Auld, Rose, and Jean would have been there to greet her,too) even though I actually just meant in a few days at the time.
I feel completely failed by life, like life has turned into an enemy.
I also heard on the news this guy robbed a bank and when he tried to make his escape he found out someone had stolen his bike and he had to walk! HA! Is that karma, or what? It serves him right, ha,ha! Someone also posted online, Are there any White countries that don't have an immigration 'problem'? and I replied in my comment, Are there any White countries that don't have a racism problem? A bunch of Americans were also saying you shouldn't have dual citizenship and it's "treasonous" to USA and I told them there's nothing wrong with loving more than one country and someone else posted, There's nothing wrong with being White and I replied, There's nothing wrong with NOT being White,either.
All things must pass.-George Harrison
Yesterday the 30 YR old also came back from his 2 day big job( and the client even paid for them to stay at a swanky hotel(that cost over 1K a night!!) and bought them a 90$ steak!) and he walked in with a bouquet of flowers( shown here) and I thought they were for me( esp. with my mother just dying) so I was touched and gushed, Awwww. that's so sweet! Thanks! and he snatched them away and goes, They're NOT for YOU! and I felt so bad; it turned out it was for his GF (how sweet though!)but he was just going to give it to her boring and plain so I cut and arranged them and made a fancier vase for him to give to her, and he said they do IT 3-4 times a day (Holy Mother of God!)which shocked me and I think is excessive(they're like horny badgers, and she stayed overnight again,too, despite my objections; why can't they fornicate somewhere else?) and my hubby and I at our "peak" in our 20's just did IT 3-4 times a week!
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.-Les Miserables
The guys also brought this food back from their potluck NYE party last night with their D&D friends and when I commented that in the photos I now have on the wall that the 28 YR old looks like a Punker and the 23 YR old looks like a vampire he said it was "mean" even though it was just an observation and I don't really care; I know they're adults and can do what they want, and they're the ones that have to look like that, but I can still have an opinion, and I don't have to necessarily like it and am still allowed to express my displeasure, and I mean, really, what mother would be happy and like it if her kids looked like that?
Man makes your hair gray, he's your life's mistake
All you're really lookin' for is an even break
He lies right at you, you know you hate this game.-Alice Cooper
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