Bloody.

I crossed another item off my Bucket-List yesterday!

I painted a sunflower!

Please be nice and kind and don't be mean and don't laugh.

I didn'tlook at a flower or a photo or draw with pencil beforehand; I just went by memory and let the brush take over, just using my hand and my heart,letting my creative juices flow, and the important thing is I had fun.

Buddy( AKA "Bloody") also had lots of bleeding from his tooth yesterday and there's blood now all over all his blankets(I had to toss in the laundry) my bed, his bed,the carpet, the floor, my shirt and pants,etc.it looks like a crime scene, as you bleed alot from your mouth! Holy shit!The good thing is at least he's still eating but of course when he does the bleeding starts up again,too. I just hope he doesn't lose so much blood that he dies; I can't lose him( and tomorrow it'll be 2 weeks since my mother died and it still doesn't seem real and I still can't believe she's really gone) as he's all I have left and the only reason I'm still alive.

I also heard Stairway To Heaven twice; yesterday and the night before, and my hubby saw the dentist yesterday about his infected tooth but the antibiotic cleared it up and it's not bothering him anymore and they said they'd have to drill down right to the bone to clear it up and the tooth's dead anyway do they'd have to extract it and put in an implant....costing over 5K so he just said forget it unless it starts bothering him again and then he'll just have it yanked out. He also didn't get me the snack I'd wanted and asked for(even though it was just 8.99$ so NOT expensive) because he had a coupon for something else instead and for the pizza this week I also requested the 10$ special but he said he's getting something else instead and it hurts I never get what I really  want and always have to settle for less, it makes me feel like I'm just not worth the "good" stuff and then he(just like my mother used to do,too) tries to make me feel "guilty" for not putting up with less, like I should somehow be "grateful" I get anything at ALL even though it's not what I wanted or asked for, like a dog begging for  table scraps.

I also talked to a lady yesterday about closing up my mother's gov't issued ID such as passport, SIN card, health card, pension, etc. mainly to prevent ID fraud, but we have to inform the utilities she died to get the name switched over from hers to my hubby's(even though it's still the same address) since he'll be the one paying the bills now and she seemed nice but then again I guess when you're dealing with such a sensitive subject you can't exactly be an as asshole, and she'll mail me an info pack with instructions and pre-paid envelopes I have to send back with the death certificate. I also told the 17 YR old to not stop the dishwasher mid-load(he wanted to get a fork and I told him to just use a spoon instead) not wanting to f*ck it up and he snarked that I was "whining like always", him just being disrespectful, rude,and mean to me like always.

My hubby also asked me to get my 300-something Facebook friends to subscribe to the 25 YR old's You-Tube channel( she now gets paid for!) but for the past 2 Christmases she never even bothered to stop by to visit me when she was already in the area anyway visiting my mother( a cruel and deliberate snub!) so naaah, I don't think so, I couldn't really be bothered; it works both ways,  and I'm just sooooo fed-up  with *everything*  now,too, with the kids, with being disrespected by my family, with my mother dying, with Trump and his antics and threats, with daily physical pain, with constant anxiety and stress,with living in this Shithole that I hate, with financial worries, with being fed-up,  fed-up with life, I'm ready to die and I have been for a long time now and I hope it's soon and before the secrets of my past are revealed  and before I no longer have an income from the end of March once the youngest turns 18 and before I'm ever forced out of my house or have to move,etc.and for sure once Buddy dies.

I'm just fed-up with life and with living.

Hey, God, are you listening? Can you come take me Home?

I will get by I will get by I will get by I will survive.--The Grateful Dead