I came across this photo of my mother 20 years ago and at the time she was just a few years older than I am now. Tomorrow( which is also my 58th birthday) it will also be exactly a week since she died(even though it feels much,much longer!) and also my first birthday without her and it would be nice if I died tomorrow on my birthday,too, and with me always being so exhausted all the time I must have either some kind of cancer or heart or kidney failure,and I'm sure by now she's had her Life Review and probably now in spirit form looks younger, like how she looked when I was growing up, short, thin and petite,with curly black hair and big glasses that turned brown tinted in the sun although I suppose on the Other Side she wouldn't need glasses though because you're healed.Looking back, I can also see she was showing signs of decline for the past 3 years or so,too; being incontinent, tripping, falling down the stairs, memory issues, needing a walker, forgetting words, being forgetful, then being unable to dress or bathe herself, and now every time I see old ladies it makes me sad too because it reminds me of her.
Yesterday I also went to the bank to clear out the safety deposit box...only it was empty and the bank said their records show that in 2012 someone had already cleared it out except only her and I had a key and neither of us did it.....so who was it(was it my hubby,maybe, always wanting to sell the house from under us?), and now where is her will and the deed to the house? So now they're investigating and so then I had to go to City Hall to see if I could find a copy of the deed only they said they don't have it there and I had to go all the way to another town 20 min. away to the Land Registry Office they sent me to so I did and then they said they no longer have it,either, it was just a Service Ontario office,and after all that to just do it online!
All that for nothing!Why can't anything ever just work out and go right for me and always be so hard? I swear I have the worst "luck" ever and must be a jinx! I also had to pee really badly but the bathroom was locked but luckily a janitor was there and he let me in, saying they keep it locked because junkies OD in there and they got tired of finding them dead. Finally my hubby went online, paid a 40$ fee and we got a copy of the deed, and as for the will I guess it's no problem anyway since I'm her only child and heir and we only need the deed if we're going to sell which I'm not. On the way home my hubby's back car light also broke and he had to get a new light.
F*ck.
The 25 YR old and her BF also sent these nice flowers yesterday and I couldn't help but notice it wasn't addressed to me, but rather "To The House" even though it WAS my mother that died, and it's kind of ironic too she always hated white flowers as they reminded her of death and funerals although in this case it's appropriate, and they even came with a cool Mason jar vase I can re-use later, and I thought I'd have enough $$$ finally for the euthanasia clinic in Switzerland for me as well once Buddy dies.....until I had to pay 3K yesterday for the home insurance, so now I don't and I'm back to being poor again so I guess I'll just have to keep trying myself until I finally get it right( being poor really sucks!) and last night I sat out on the back porch smoking me a J and looking up at the starlit sky and I saw a shooting star I'd like to think was a sign from my mother that she's OK, and I can still remember too when I was 15 how she let me transfer schools because I was being bullied, and how every Saturday we'd go to the falafel place on Yonge St.for lunch so I could stare at the hot 17 YR old Lebanese guy who worked there I had a crush on and those are the kind of things that I like to remember most.
I also notice lately that I'm peeing more and leak and "dribble" more as well (and my back reeeaaally hurts,too)so maybe I have a UTI or bladder or kidney infection, and I was sweaty in bed overnight even though I just had a T-shirt on, and I might finally be beginning to "crack" now after almost a week under the pressure of it as well as I notice now I'm losing things and am more forgetful and my brain is just "mush" the past few days and last night the 30 YR old also just took my parka(again) without even asking; he just takes whatever he wants, and he said something about me "yelling at his GF" when I was yelling at him and he's just so disrespectful and inconsiderate of me, my things,and my house rules and it's straining our relationshiop now, esp. since he's become so obsessed with his GF and fornicating in the house despite my objections, and I think it might also be time he moves out and gets his own place, and this morning my hubby told him he had to have the car back(him and his GF were out all night) so he could be at pickleball by 8am and it was 7:45 am and he still wasn't back yet and he was getting mad and told me if he didn't return it in time he'd charge him for a taxi and ban him from using the car for a week....At his age he's certainly old enough to be responsible.
Let you cut me open just to watch me bleed
Gave up who I am for who you wanted me to be
Don't know why I'm hoping for what I won't receive
Falling for the promise of the emptiness machine.-Linkin Park
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