Today is my birthday. I am now 58. I was originally not supposed to be born until the end of Feb. but I was born 6 weeks early and I've been early ever since, ha, ha. The oldest also sent me an birthday e-mail wish and my hubby made me a cool origami Dachshund card( shown below near the bottom) and that's all I expect to hear from, none of the other kids, and my hubby also got a new padded toilet seat he says is my birthday "gift", too, so "thanks"... I guess..., and later tonight we're going out to eat for my dinner. I asked earlier about my cake and he just gruffed, No one gets birthday cakes anymore! which made me sad, and my mother's been on the Other Side for a week now even though it seems and feels much longer, and it also feels like time has been moving in slow-motion as well, just like it did during and following our fire and when the now 26 YR old had leukemia when he was 7.
Trauma seems to have a way of doing that.
I'll also never forget the feeling when I was all alone(just Buddy and I in the house) when I got the call she was in her final moments and I knew she was dying; and I've always had to face life's hardest moments on my own.
I feel a sense of disbelief entering/starting a new year without my Mum being here.-Jess Plant
I also can't help but wonder if they purposely took her out of the ICU (where she needed the pressurized oxygen) knowing that in doing so that she would die( which she did the very next day) sort of "hurrying" her along( yet in a way they sort of did her a "favour" too and it was her Time) and those entire 3 weeks she also seemed to know she was dying too as she said to me, I have to go.... and also said, My parents are waiting for me...and they died when I was 3 years old...Looking back I think she knew all along and the funeral home director also surprised me by saying they don't even have a crematorium here,either, but it's in another town,. and the cremation process takes 4-6 hours too and I thought it was shorter, like an hour or less, given the extreme heat,but even baking my pottery in the kiln it takes overnight though and it's much smaller and hollowed-out( so it doesn't explode) and the funeral people have to be so sensitive and be careful what they say, such as they can't say things like, We have the stiff in the freezer... they have to word it more tactfully, such as We have your mother in our care...
I also think I have a cold again too as I woke up with a bunch of "gunk" in my throat and so much I'm choking on it and had cramps and diarrhrea so bad even my hubby complained about the stench emitting from the bathroom and he always does really foul ones(so what can he really say?) and I heard Stairway To Heaven during the night on the radio again, and I saw someone online describe eggnog as "drinking pancake batter" and now I don't think I'll ever see it the same way ever again.
Last night I also had the best smoke sesh ever and it was like the never-ending pipe; it just kept going on and on forever, it never ran out, like the wine at the wedding at Cana with Jesus where it just kept flowing and never ran out, a blessing from the Lord, and yesterday the 30 YR old's boss called saying he had lost his pay cheque in town and that someone found it on the road and returned it to the bank( luckily it was a Good Samaritan and NOT a thief!) so he went to pick it up and cash it) so my guess is when he was at 'Da Club the night before it must have fallen out of his pocket. When I was his age I already had 6 kids and he can't even keep track of anything. I'd hate to think of him being responsible for another little human. HA!
The 30 YR old also took my Canada Goose parka again yesterday and is still gone overnight and he better be back today by the time I need it to go out for my dinner( plus he also has the car which we need as well) and he didn't even ask aagin and I would let him borrow it; it would just be nice if he asked permission and didn't just help himself and take it and if he doesn't bring it back in time then I'll just wear his fur coat as otherwise I won't have a coat to wear, and he's always said he'll charge me a 20$ "rental fee" if I want to borrow HIS fur coat so now on I can say the same thing; charge him 20$ when he takes my parka,too; it works both ways.
My brain is so "scattered" lately and I'm so out-of-focus ( my friend calls it "grief fog") I even put my underwear on backwards and didn't even realize it and wondered why I had a "wedgie" all day yesterday and I just hate wedgies,too, and don't know how people can stand wearing thongs which would feel like a neverending wedgie but I guess being a whore is more important to them than comfort, and we got a light dusting of snow the other day as well( shown here) and today we're supposed to get more today my hubby hates; he says at least you don't have to shovel rain but I say at least you don't need an umbrella with snow.Plus, it's so pretty and rain is just dull, gloomy, wet, and depressing.
Autism is hard to live with because it's kind of like being a child trapped in an adults body.-Christopher Rodmell
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