One of the hardest things I've had to reconcile with since my mother died just over a week ago is that I don't really feel that grieving sorrow that I should because of the way she treated me; she really wasn't nice to me, and she was always criticizing me and making me feel like I was never good enough, and no matter what I did it still wasn't right or good enough, and her and my hubby also ganged-up on me and over-ruled my authority and discipline with the kids and I was always veto-ed and over-ruled and had no say, no voice,no authority, no control in my own house, family, kids, or even in my own life, I felt like a hostage, and I'd need her support and reassurance during traumas but she'd just yell at me to shut-up as she "didn't want to keep hearing about it", and said I was "always wrong" all the time and that was why no one liked me, and that I "never listen" because I've always had my own mind and can't be controlled, etc, just overall general emotional abuse,and now I'm no longer "beholden" to her anymore and I almost feel "free", but it also makes me feel conflicted,too, because afterall, she still was my mother, and she gave me life, and we did used to get along well before I had kids and she has been supportive at times, like that time she was even willing to help me bomb an enemy that wouldn't leave us alone( I didn't have to end up doing,afterall; we just fled instead) and when she let me transfer highschools when I was being bullied...
People are just complex, I guess, and we all just do the best we can.
I have forgiven her though and I hope she's forgiven me,too, for not being good enough.
and try to remember the good times.
My mother also would have been overjoyed to hear Trudeau is going to resign but maybe she does know on the Other Side afterall, and it turned out that I was right,too; I didn't think she WAS going to ever leave the hospital from the beginning,either, ever since she was taken to the ER.
and she didn't.
Not alive,anyway.
I also saw 3 cardinals in our yard today incl. my Angel Bird I haven't seen for awhile so maybe it's a sign from my mother letting me know she's OK,I'd like to think so, and on the news they said the cops arrested over 700 drunk drivers just over the few day holiday check which is apparantly a new record and it doesn't surprise me though; this Shithole is a nation of beer-swilling loser boozers! I also got 6 or so more late birthday wishes on Facebook and for some weird reason the past few days I also keep getting lots of LGBT posts and ads in my "feed",too,just like recently I also got redneck sports crap,too, so is someone spamming me, pranking me,or what, and now Israel has also bombed a total of 23 hospitals in Gaza and yet they deny it's a genocide? Really??
I am learning no matter what I give, how understanding I am, how much I forgive, and many other things, it will NEVER be enough for some people.-Chris Freyler
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