Keeping On.

Yesterday my hubby comes in the room with wet reddish/brown stuff all on his hands and smeared on his pants and with a frazzled look on his face I freaked out gasping, Is that blood? fearing he'd cut himself with a knife or saw but it turned out it was just varnish from the still-wet dresser( shown above here) he was carrying he thought was dry and he was upset he got his pants stained! HA! I also still have my baaad headache, now day 3 or 4(I"ve lost track now) mostly across my forehead and behind my eyes so probably sinus and I'm also really dizzy and was sweaty overnight, and smelling that varnish probably doesn't help; it's one of those vapour smells like spray paint that fries your brain cells and you're really supposed to use outside or at least in a well-ventilated area with the windows open. Yesterday my 2 front teeth also felt weird, like when they get banged or bumped, sort of like numb or tingling even though they weren't and it was a year ago Buddy had a stroke,too, and yesterday he almost made it all day without bleeding until just after 7 pm when he was eating and it started up a bit. My Twitter also got 19K views in the past 7 days!

Yesterday I also said a prayer to God asking for a sign that my mother's OK; that she's happy and at peace, and just mere seconds later my Angel Bird( the extra bright red cardinal) who I haven't seen in a week flew over and landed in a tree in our yard and then later on in the day when I was out smoking mi ganja he came back again as soon as I sat down, and with her happy on the Other Side and me still stuck here in the Shithole it feels like I'm on the wrong side of the border and it's still hard to believe she's gone,too, as she's been here with me for my whole life and now all of a sudden she's gone and all that's left now are photos and memories and the average lifespan of a woman here is 81 so she lived an "extra" 2 years. I also can't believe it's almost the middle of January already, and I read someone needed adenoid surgery but couldn't get an app't until next year with the ENT surgeon  but a plastic surgeon could do it in 2 weeks for 7500$ so they're going with that but the problem is most people can't afford to pay  7500$ and that's more than I even have in my bank account! As always only the rich can get treatment in decent time.

It's sad too thinking back that in my life only 2 people ever really noticed that there was anything different/wrong with me was one of my Kindergarten teachers who was concerned my obsession with dogs and pretending to be one (I'd wanted a dog but didn't get one until I was 12, plus it's also an autistic thing we didn't know at the time; I wasn't diagnosed until I was 45) and the Headmistress/Principal at the Beverly Hills Prep School (which I heard has closed some 20 years ago) who did my entrance exam, a kind woman named Violet I still remember( and who must be in her80's now if she's even still alive as she would have been my mother's age) who specialized in Special Ed and mentioned she was concerned I was "emotionally immature for my age", and that was it and I struggled thru my entire life knowing I wasn't like other people and struggled with things other people just sailed thru with no problem and was always excluded and bullied for but never understood why and how it could have been much more easier if only we had known and dealt with it and  I wouldn't have had to spend my whole life thinking it was just because I was stupid, weird, and not good enough.

Behind a girl who says “everything happens for a reason” or “it is what it is” is a girl who can’t understand what she did to deserve all the pain and traumas she’s gone through in her life.-Sonoreid

My hubby is an asshole. He stripped and re-varnished my mother's dresser and I wanted to keep it as a momento to remember her by and now he's ruined it. It doesn't even look the same anymore and now it's like he "erased" her.