Numbness And Grief.

I saw this photo of this Orthodox Jewish woman and I could tell by the look on her face how sad she is. It just shows. You can tell she's unhappy in life and she looks on the outside how I always feel on the inside and it broke my heart because I know excatly how she feels. (Her hubby also looks alot like my hubby when he was younger,too) You can see it in her eyes. I still mostly just feel numb, shock and disbelief over my mother's death though more so than sadness or grief because to be truthful she really wasn't nice to me,  and now it also sort of feels like I'm finally "free",and once I had kids of my own she took over, over-stepped boundaries with my kids, pushed me out and replaced me,treating me cruelly, and ruined not only our relationship( which had once been close when I was younger) but my relationship with my kids as well, and to be honest, I'll be much more sadder and have more sorrow,grief, and loss when Buddy dies because he's a much bigger part of my life,the only one that loves me, and is the only reason I still hold on and my only reason to live and all I have left now. He's also been really thirsty lately,too,(so I hope it's not diabetes) and last night he kept making these weird gaaacccking noises as well and now he just pees on the carpet all the time,too, and once he's gone I'll have nothing left anymore.

He is my entire world.

Today I also have to go to the bank to clear out my mother's safety deposit box before they close down her account and once Buddy dies I'll book a one-way trip to Switzerland to the euthanasia clinic to end it once and for all; I've tried to several times before myself but it never works(I'm such a loser I can't even kill myself properly!) so I guess some things you just need a professional  for, to make sure it's done right, and at least that way I know it'll finally succeed and I also won't have to die in this Shithole, either, but back in Europe(where I've always loved) and if I still have enough $$$ I'll book a First Class airfare,too, because it'll be my last trip(making it 40 countries I've been to) so I might as well really enjoy  it and go  all the way and go out with a 'bang." Yesterday I also saw the plum pudding I got for my mother and that she wanted and asked me to get for her for Christmas but she sadly never got the chance to have and seeing it made me sad so I opened it up and had a piece dedicating it to her  in her honour but it was gross and no one else likes it either so I'll probably just end up giving it to the squirrels.

I also like this pillow, the same design as the dress my hubby ordered for my birthday( which is in just 2 days and I turn 58) gift and my hubby even said he'll come with  me too to my fave. Italian restaurant like my mother always did( as opposed to me just ordering-in like I'd planned) even though he doesn't like the food there( he said he'll just order soup) which I thought was oddly nice of him, and it worked out well he's off work this week too(God always looks after us) as he  needed the time off to take me around to wrap things up with my mother. Yesterday I also had really baaaad abdomenal,. stomach, and back pain as well I thought I was going to pass-out from the pain and my hubby found a big hole in the lawn as well with a tunnel that went to the house( from a gopher, perhaps, or maybe a skunk or rabbit den, or maybe the squrrels dug it?) he filled in with cement.The 30 YR old's boss also gave us a sympathy card which I thought was thoughtful and nice.

I also like this funky denim shirt, and one of my cousins in Europe got 2 cats,too( ewww!!) and I told her she should have got a dog instead as cats just piss on everything and scratch up your furniture,are basically freeloaders, and aren't loyal and loving like dogs, and the 30 YR old's GF stayed here all day yesterday as well( and they spent all day up in his room,too!) and it almost feels like she lives here now and it's really getting to be annoying, and on NYE for the party she brought THC edibles for him and her so at least she won't care that *I* smoke weed! They also found the so-called "Black Box"(which is actually a bright orange to make it easier to find!) from that crashed plane( and maybe it's those mysterious "drones" causing them to crash lately?HA!) and it makes me wonder too since they're made of indestructible material that always survives a crash then why don;t they just make the entire plane out of the same material, and people were also so quick to assume that the guy that did the attack on NYE in New Orleans "must" have been an immigrant too even though it turns out he was born in USA and was even in the Army, but the fact is that most Americans(like Canadians) are from immigrant backgrounds, regardless(unless they're Indigenous) like my friend( the 30 YR old's ex-GF's mother) who is of Swiss heritage.

One thing I *REALLY*  hate  are racist assholes!

"Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche