Letting Go.

Today is the day I might possibly die as I've always had this feeling that I'll die on the 29th...although I don't know exactly which 29th of which month or year( although February isn't as likely only once every 4 years) but I hope today will be the day, just as I hope every 29th when it comes around. I took this photo of the clouds yesterday and today it's going up to a glorious 25 C again and I had a hard time uploading the photos on the new computer( of course!) and even my hubby was stumped but he finally figured it out: the "language" of the photos on the iPod was apparantly different than the "language" of the computer so they couldn't "sync" so he simply changed the "language" of some of them so that they'd match and be compatable. I still couldn't find the photo this morning though as he'd had it in downloads , not exactly the place I'd look; I was looking at pictures, screenshots, etc.

I hate this shit.

How hard is it to just get my photos and music?

I still also have that splitting headache I had all day yesterday and it also feels like something's stabbing behind my left eye so maybe it's just my sinus, either that or perhaps an aneurysm or a stroke and I also smelled burnt coffee again this morning too even though no one else did and such "phantom smells" can indicate a brain issue  such as a stroke or tumour and I can't believe it's almost already October and we have 3 birthdays as well: the oldest turns 36, the 30 YR old turns 31 ( obviously) and my hubby turns 62( old man....ha,ha) and we also found out the cause of my hubby's chronic low potassium( he has to take supplements for or else he gets really sleepy and stupid-like) is his addiction to the red Twizzlers licorice; apparantly they deplete potassium! Who knew? I only like the black licorice myself. The red ones are gross.

Israeli PM Netanyahu also gave a propaganda speech at the UN trying to "justify" the genocide in Gaza and most people just walked right out, ha,ha, and I heard on the news there was something called a Bimbo Race  and it made me laugh as I thought it was a bunch of bimbos racing, you know, bimbos, like ho's, sluts, whores, hookers, skanks,putas....but it actually turned out to be sponsored by a bakery, a bread company named Bimbo (what a stupid name though!) collecting for the food bank! HA! Tomorrow is also Orange Shirt Day  for Truth & Reconciliation honouring the victims of the Indian Residential Schools so I have to try and find my orange shirt, likely buried at the bottom of the pile of clothes in my room.

Yesterday Beja was also crying outside the 30 YR old's bedroom door while him and his GF were....well, you know...and now it was annoying him, but he only has himself to blame for stealing him and now he wants to be with him all the time and completely ignores me.

He's created a monster.

It's his own fault and a problem that he caused even though he denies it and talks down to me, You just have to be kind and gentle with him and I told him, I've been nothing BUT kind and gentle to him!!  and he scoffed, If you SAY so.... implying that I'm NOT, which really hurts , and he wouldn't let me put his sweater back on,either(I took it off to wash) and he kept squirming, squawking and even tried to bite me,too, the little f*cker, so I had the 30 YR old try and even he couldn't,either. He also hasn't eaten his dog food in at least 2 weeks ( although he does eat other stuff we give him) and has lost weight and looks skinny now) and  he criticized me for not walking him,too, even though I can't walk anymore(I get out of breath) with my medical issues and he says His needs aren't being met even though he's a Chihuahua; a small dog that doesn't even need to be walked or  get alot of exercise and can even get enough exercise just running around an apartment.

No matter what I do(or don't do) it's still never enough or good enough and I'm honestly just tired of always trying and still never being enough  and always being criticized and blamed all the time and not having anyone love me and not really having any reason to live anymore, esp. not now Buddy's gone. He was my only real anchor and life-line..

 I just want to let go.

I'm also feeling "distant" from both the 30 YR old and Beja now and I don't really even "like" them much anymore now,either, the hurt is so deep, and I know  every time I pet him( he tries to jump down and run to the 30 YR old which breaks my heart) he imagines I'm  the 30 YR old and I pretend I'm petting Buddy.

I went to it at the end and the fairytale was lost. The thing to do was just plain square reality--sink gently in a sort of solitary, unnoticed way.-Stephon Robert