Moose On The Loose.

Have you seen last night's post 10 Months?

Look at the cute Chihuahua and Dachshund(my 2 fave. breeds) Christmas tree ornaments I saw online( pictured here and below at the bottom) and I heard on the radio there was a baby moose on the loose nearby as well (you don't get much more Canadian than that!) and I still remember years ago one of my cousin's friends hit a moose with his small car which was crushed in from the roof and he ended up with brain damage. Those things are huge suckers, like 2000 pounds full-grown! Montego Bay( where I was!) was also the worst area hit in Jamaica from that hurricane and it's now over Cuba(where I've also been) heading towards the Bahamas(where I've been, twice actually) and I notice that bad things always seem to happen( natural disasters, terrorist attacks, etc) to pretty much every place I've been to, making  me really wonder if I AM a jinx!

 I also never had a towel again for my bath this morning and I think the reason is the boys always for some reason use 2-3 towels for each shower they take instead of just using the same one towel for their hair, face, and body like my hubby and I do. Last night I also had trouble sleeping again and woke up at 11 pm and couldn't get back to sleep until 3 am so today I'm extra tired and I'm up late tonight( 1 am or so) for the concert.

It's the last thing I have left to do before I die.

I also got this from Twitter last night, worried that I'm suicidal.

Of course  I am.

It's sort of my "default" setting.

HA.

I have been pretty much since I was 13 but I'm at the end of the line now and I'm simply tired of always fighting a war I just can't win and even the strongest warrior eventually reaches a point where they fight their final battle.

Someone online also commented that my kids being mean to me( such as telling me to kill myself, which is also damaging to MY  already-fragile mental health but no one ever cares about that) is irrelevant and that *I* "said awful things" to my kids,too, that "really messes up still developing kids" and caused them to need therapy and created "life-long insecurities" (like I have myself!) and that an "angry and cruel mother" messes kids up.

I agree I WAS angry; a result of all the trauma, misfortune,  injustice,and everything else that's happened to me in life; it's damaged and broken me, but I don't think that I was cruel, and I certainly hope I wasn't and I never intended to be and didn't mean to be and didn't think I was, and I'm sorry if I was,; I never meant to harm anyone and I tried to be a good mother and I did the best I could, even though being autistic and bipolar creates extra challenges.

It just makes me feel so bad, so ashamed, so guilty, so sad, such remorse, esp. since I really had no idea and it was never intended.

I feel like the world's most horrible, terrible, awful person.

To be fair though, the "thing" nowadays is also for grown-up kids to go into therapy and to be convinced that everything is their parents' fault, and it's not always the case. Sometimes kids are just "wired" wrong, and mental illness does  also run in our family as well.

Now it makes me hate myself even more.

I  guess I really don't deserve to live.

I should have died instead of Buddy.

Everyone would be better off with me gone.

I'm not living,anyway; I'm just existing.

Sometimes a child just goes in the wrong direction and it isn’t even their own fault but the parents have to live with it.-Elizabeth Beck