Once Again.

 Have you seen last night's update Outta Here?

I wasn't supposed to be here.

Once again last night I tried it again, for the umpteenth-time

and once again it didn't work.

I ingested some toxic stuff that was supposed to kill me but didn't and I'm getting really tired of this.

 I keep trying  but it never works.

Maybe I didn't take enough and need to take more to metabolize because I'm so fat?

 What does it take and why won't God just let me go? 

Maybe it just takes longer to pass thru my digestive tract and will just be delayed in its results but I somehow doubt it.

I can't even kill myself properly and am even a failure at that.

Of course I never told anyone because for one no one cares anyway and I don't want the process to be interrupted, although knowing my family they'd probably do something to accelerate it.

Why can't I just die though? I'm done here and with this life and have no love, no joy, and nothing to live for anymore, so why does God just keep prolonging my suffering for? I'm not even living, just existing.

I also finally took the A/C out of my bedroom window now it's cold at night and the wind blows thru the cracks and I also saw something interesting last night at 1 am as well when I got up to go to the bathroom: I noticed a light on, it was our security light at the side of the house so I looked out the window to see.....and I saw a white vehicle in our driveway that looked just like the 31 YR old's ex-GF's! It had a light on inside and was there for awhile as well before it finally left.

What's up with that?

At first it concerned me, worried maybe she was here sneaking around in the middle of the night to do something nefarious, like perhaps arson the house, but then wondered if maybe they got back together and maybe if she even picked him up to take him back to her place, my hubby said maybe she just dropped off his stuff, (but during the middle of the night?) or if maybe they never even broke up at all( although my hubby said he knew about it way before I did; as always I'm the last to know things and no one ever tells me anything and I'm always left out, like I'm not even part of this family) and he just said  that,but it was really actually just some sort of "ruse" and maybe it was just some sort of weird "test" to see my reaction?

The 31 YR old also said to give him the cocaine I found( which I'm sure is his) so he can "test" it and I thought at first he meant he had the chemicals to test it like the cops do but he just meant the "taste test" on the end of his tongue like I did ( and it passed; it was a yucky bitter taste and it numbed my tongue just like cocaine) and then I realized he probably just wanted his coke back but I had already flushed it. I also heard a 30 YR old died moments after having her first child( the baby survived) from an "extremely rare birth complication" and I wonder what it was? Did she hemmorage (like I do) although that isn't too rare, so maybe she had an amniotic fluid embolism or something? I remember my friend L (from grade 10) had a stroke after she had one of her babies. I also heard Blue Jays (the baseball, not the bird) tickets used to be 20$ ( which is reasonable for any venue or event) but now they're in the finals standing room costs 1500$ and they go up to 12K! Holy f*ck!  They even sold out,too!I wouldn't even pay that( not that I could afford it,anyway) for a concert I really liked,not even for Bob Marley(sorry, Bob) that's just outrageous!!!

In my arms, you departed... My great love was you. I will search for you in every location and memory nook and cranny. I hope to run across the meadows with you once more in the future!-Aziz Ali