One Year.

Today is the 1 year anniversary since my mother died.

I can't believe  that an entire year has gone by already but despite grief, loss, and stress life still goes on. In exactly a week is also my birthday(I turn 59) and 3 days after that it will also be 9 months since Buddy died. Yesterday just after my nap I also had the painful burning deep in my chest again like I had at 1 am that woke me up but it was just the once and it was brief. Just in case I do have a heart-attack and die in the next few days I'm not taking down the Christmas tree for a few days because if I do die then I won't even have to do it, ha,ha! It's also hard to believe the tree, decor, and outdoor lights are only up now for a few more days and it's sort of sad too when you really think about it; all that work and they just stay up for just over a month. Today we also have a freezing rain warning followed by heavy rain (it's now -18C but going up to 6C) and flooding  and a 100km wind.

Yuck.

I also asked the 31 YR old if it's just another temporary break-up with his GF or if they're finally done for good and he said for good but that might actually be a good  thing( and he goes around the house singing, so he doesn't seem depressed) since he never drank like that or took drugs until she came around so she's a bad influence on him, and maybe he'll meet someone else at school? Perhaps God's guiding him in another direction? Who knows? I also wonder too if his ex-boss really doesn't  have legal issues like he said or if the real reason he lost his job is because maybe he came to work drunk or hung-over and the boss had to let him go but of course he's not going to actually tell  us that so he just made up some story? I also do love Beja, but not enough to want to stay (and I'm just a "Last Resort" for him,anyway)and I still want to be on the Other Side.

It also hurts on the right side of my head, like how it would feel if you hit it on a sharp corner somewhere except that I didn't, and I heard a guy in Edmonton also waited 8 HRS in the ER with chest pain and died(I swear, this Shithole really SUCKS!!!!!), which is exactly why I'm hesitant to even go, and I figure if I'm probably going to die anyway I might as well just die at home.

Did anyone ever think that this was maybe her greatest loss, love, dreams of a forever that never came.-Ronda Bilton