Still Beautiful.

Yesterday I took the tree and Christmas decorations down (my hubby was also supposed to take down the outdoor lights but he said it was "too cold" and didn't, but guess what, Mister, it's only going to get colder, and the longer you wait they're all going to freeze and get stuck!) and now it just looks and feels so empty and bare and like something's missing and it felt strange last night not seeing the red glow of the lights thru the living room window. The tree also looks so much smaller  now not all decorated( shown here) yet still beautiful, just in a different way. Life also gets back to normal Monday as well; all the schools go back, everyone goes back to work after the Christmas/New Year holiday break, and businesses go back to regular hours and life goes on once again.

All except for me.

My life still sucks.

This was not the marriage or life I would have picked.-Jessica

I also took this shot at sundown and if you look closely you can see the really big moon, plus also at the bottom photo. It was extra big and bright last night and it even kept shining brightly thru my bedroom window all night,too, illuminating the entire room., and I also heard Stairway To Heaven on the radio again.  My hubby's New Years resolution is also to do Tai Chi along with his daily morning yoga.

Mine is to tell more people to f*ck-off.😂

and to hopefully die.

I also just loooove this wedding gown and it's modest,too, and not slutty like so many of them are today, with the titties hanging out, and it reminds me of a princess-style gown,  and I almost missed out on my birthday ( which is in just 2 more days and I'll be 59....holy f*ck I can't believe I'm almost 60! I always thought I would die before I was 50 but maybe I got it mixed it and it was actually before I'm 60?) dinner as I was to order-in from my fave. Italian place on Sunday, the actual day, but then my hubby said he couldn't pick it up as that's also the day the 31 YR old moves into his campus dorm and he needs the car(and, of course, nothing for me is ever a priority and my birthday doesn't matter; the kids don't even send me birthday greetings) so I was checking their hours and it said they're closed Sundays and Mondays so I have to order it a day early, tomorrow, on Saturday instead, but it's a good thing I checked ahead of time  or else I would have tried on Sunday and would have just been S.O.L. and would have been sooooooooooooooooooo mad!!! My fave. numbers have also always been 2 and 4 and I wonder if since I was born on the 4th if maybe it means I'll also die on the 2nd....hey, maybe even today...today's the 2nd.....I sure hope so.....

This morning as I was laying in bed shortly after I woke up just past 6 am I also had those sharp pains in my chest again, mostly on the left side that radiated down my left arm so I hope I'm getting a heart-attack and I will finally be set free, it would be a blessing and an answer to prayers,and it's always so cold and drafty in the house esp. on days like today where it's minus 20-something C the furnace just can't do it( even though it's only a few years old) and we have to supplement with electric baseboard heaters and plug-in space heaters, so my guess is it's not insulated well yet we can't afford  to upgrade it, either, so we just have to suffer, and some f*cker on Twitter said I "shouldn't 'force' Beja to love me just like I shouldn't ' try to force' my kids to love me" and I "should learn from my mistakes" which really *HURT*.

All I want is to be loved, for someone to love me,and is it really  too "much" to ask that my own kids  and my own dog love me?

I really don't have anything(or any reason) or anyone to live for.

Not anymore.

Why do people think I want to go on? It is NOT comforting being told that I have more life to live. This is not living.