Grief.

I found this on Quora:

People think grief begins when someone dies.
But it doesn’t.
It starts the moment you realize they might not make it.

Anticipatory grief is waking up each day knowing what is coming, while still trying to act like everything is okay.
It’s holding onto every memory, while quietly grieving at the same time.
It’s noticing the “last times” as they happen and pretending you didn’t.

You don’t lose them all at once.
You lose them little by little.
In pieces.

And you have to carry all of that while still being strong for them and giving them everything they need.

By the time they are gone, your heart has already been hurting for months, sometimes even years.

So no, the hardest part wasn’t only losing them.
It was knowing all along that you were going to.

by 

Nora Hladíkova