You’re weird. Most people don’t like weirdos. It feels different and strange, and therefore threatening.
That’s it. That’s the whole answer.
Both
Monica Friedman and
Caleb Beers have written good, complimentary answers about this.
Monica Friedman's answer to As an autistic person, what do people have against me?
Caleb Beers's answer to As an autistic person, what do people have against me?
I want to add my two cents, though. I found out about a year ago that I’m autistic. I’m an adult. I was diagnosed at 37. But I accepted as a teenager that I’m weird. I’m weird and not everybody is going to like me. Because you don’t get to decide if you’re normal or weird, everybody else does.
I used to make myself miserable, much as both Caleb described, trying to fit in. But it wasn’t working well, and I didn’t get to do the things I enjoyed. So I just accepted that I’m weird, and did the things I liked.
Now, you don’t want to eschew all social norms. As Caleb said, the key is to pick your battles. Figure out what things, socially, are important to you, and learn how to do them. For example, I like girls. I wanted to talk to girls and not have them feel uncomfortable around me. And I always remembered what a female friend of mine said once, about how guys (not just weirdos like me, but guys in general) would trap girls to talk to them, and that she could never focus on the conversation, she just wanted to leave when that happened. Well, I wanted girls to listen when I talked, so I cultivated a habit of either approaching in her eyeline, or making some kind of noise to alert her I was there, and then to always, always, always make sure that she had some path of physical escape if she wanted. And I found that even if a particular gal wasn’t interested in talking to me, I generally didn’t make them feel unsafe, which was the point.
I learned the rules that helped me do the things I cared about, but I didn’t bother to learn every fucking rule that I didn’t care about. I’m still not great at reading social hierarchies without active attention, because I don’t care if someone thinks he’s BMOC, but I’m really good and figuring out who’s dangerous.
The other thing is, that once you accept that you’re weird, people will tend to self-select about being your friend. I have enough friends that I’m happy. They’re all weird in some fashion too, but they’re all interesting. They either don’t care about my weird, or it works for them in some way. I just had a friend ask me to teach her how to shoot and care for the firearms she just inherited. She knows I’m autistic, and she asked me to teach her one of my favorite topics, knowing that I will teach her everything if she lets me, because she wants to know. I’ve also been helping her figure out how to do better with her daughter, who is probably autistic too.
The point that I’m rambling on about (it’s late, I’m tired, please bear with me), is that a lot of people are really off-put by anything that is different. It’s a human evolutionary behavior. And while it would behoove you to make some degree of accommodation for the normies, you do not have to everything about yourself to suit them. You figure out which accommodations are reasonable for you, and which ones are not, and you’ll still be able to find friends who enjoy your company. Some of them will be neurodivergent in some way, and some won’t. I know it can feel overwhelming when you understand that you’re breaking some kind of social rule, but haven’t the faintest fucking idea what it is, and nobody will just tell you, but it’s not hopeless.
Don’t resign yourself to being a lifelong outcast. And understand that what most people who have something against you have nothing against you personally. It really feels personal, I know, but it’s not you as you that’s the “problem” it’s that you don’t fit neatly into whatever box they think you should that’s the problem, and that’s really a “them” problem not a “you” problem. Try not to let it bother you too much (hard, I know), and try to figure out what efforts of fitting in are worth your time and effort, and which aren’t.
