Today's Pondering.

 

Change Of Plans.

OMG! Yesterday was such a good day I haven't had such a good day like that in I can't remember how long and certainly not since Buddy died. 

It reminded me of what it felt like to be alive.

Before I went to the concert ( 54-40  and Foreigner) which was in Kingston( which was only an hour drive away instead of the usual 2 HRs each way to Toronto where they usually are) we stopped off at the mall there(where I haven't been to ages) and I actually found  all the stuff I was looking for,too, incl. the cute little gingerbread guy(shown lower below) named Snaps I've been looking for since last Christmas! I also got 3 bath-bombs from Lush (pictured above) only without having to pay shipping( and the posties are still on partial strike,anyway) and a new hippo plushie( shown below) that's extra soft, and my 2026 sunflowers wall calendar,too!

I was originally planning on ending it this weekend as well when everyone's out of the house but now changed my mind and it's now been post-poned. I decided I want to be able to get some enjoyment  out of the new things I got for awhile(esp. since I spent $$$ on them), so I can always put it off for awhile. There will always be another time and there's no rush.

We also ate in the foodcourt at the mall(when my hubby dropped me off at the concert venue he went off to play chess) and I went to Taco Bell  and I originally wanted a taco...but the taco combo( with drink and fries) cost 12$ and for just 3 more $$$ I could get much more food: 2 tacos, a burrito, fries, and a drink, for 15$ so I got that, and ate a bit before the concert, some more after(I was starving by then) and even saved the burrito for my lunch today! I never bought any food at the venue( a slice of pizza cost 12$!) just a bottle of diet Coke and that cost over 5$! 

When I entered the venue not only did security look in my purse but I also got scanned with the hand-held "wand" thing front and back like at the airport( but so did everyone else) and as I went thru and my ticket got scanned she asked, Only one? (because I was by myself) and I thought, Yeah....so? I go to concerts alone. So what about it? I travel alone,too. You can't depend on other people. It was also kind of sad,too, that this is the first concert I've been to that I haven't been able to come back after and tell my mother all about.

I had a hard time finding the right seat though as the sections weren't clearly indicated and there were several row 9 seat 12 for the first 2 attempts I was told I was sitting in the wrong seat and on the third try I finally found the right one(and the view WAS better, actually, and I didn't have anyone sitting on either side of me on the 2 seats on both sides,either!) but I didn't dare get up to pee, afraid I'd never find my seat again!

Life is hard when you're stupid.

The guy sitting closest to me looked bored out of his skull though(I think he just came for his wife) and spent most of the time playing some gambling game on his phone(who goes to a concert and does that?) and I was bopping and singing along to every song and surprised myself how much I pretty much knew every word, and yet I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday, and they even played my 2 fave. songs of theirs and had cool lights, fog machines, and even flames, and I swear when the strobe lights came flashing on I thought I was actually going to have a seizure but thank God I didn't!

I hated the photo I took of myself on the drive down as it showed how haggard I really look; my saggy face and droopy eyes makes me look like a Basset Hound but luckily at the concert I didn't feel quite  as old as pretty well everyone else there was of my Generation as well( in their 50's and 60's and some probably even older)  and I didn't get to sleep until 1 am and today I'm all bleary-eyed and have bloodshot eyes and if I DO die anytime soon at least I had a good last day.

Between today and tomorrow we also have a rain warning: between 50-75 mm of rain (that's over an inch!) which is more than we had all summer so that also means the little Satanists will get wet tomorrow, ha,ha! Yesterday a cashier at a store also asked me what plans I have for Satan's Day (Halloween) and I told her, I don't celebrate that.

My friend P( from grade 6) also went to Barbados yesterday  so she better watch out for the hurricane, and my mother and I took the 2 youngest girls there years ago and I think it was the place(although I've been to most of the Caribbean islands I can't be sure) that had part of the airport outside as opposed to being sheltered indoors and I remember having to line up both upon arrivals going thru customs and leaving for check-in and it was soooooo hot as there's no A/C in the outside part and I always wondered what they do when it rains,  and even though Beja was with the 31 YR old when I got back late last night he still ran over to see me which was nice but it really hurts that even though he's MY dog the 31 YR old is his Person (esp. since it used to be me before he stole him off me!) and while he was out for an hour or so yesterday I actually got a bit of time to cuddle with him and when he came back  he left me and ran over to him and and I lamented I was hoping I would get more time he huffed, You already did.

Wow, I got about an hour with my own dog.

Here is my ticket. On my hubby's phone.

He had to show me how to use it.

I'm such a retard.😄

I miss the days when you had actual tickets and could keep the stubs afterwards as souvenirs.

I used to keep them in my diaries.

And all around your island There's a barricade It keeps out the danger It holds in the pain.-Tom Petty

 

Wordless Wednesday.

 

Daily Thought.

 

Moose On The Loose.

Have you seen last night's post 10 Months?

Look at the cute Chihuahua and Dachshund(my 2 fave. breeds) Christmas tree ornaments I saw online( pictured here and below at the bottom) and I heard on the radio there was a baby moose on the loose nearby as well (you don't get much more Canadian than that!) and I still remember years ago one of my cousin's friends hit a moose with his small car which was crushed in from the roof and he ended up with brain damage. Those things are huge suckers, like 2000 pounds full-grown! Montego Bay( where I was!) was also the worst area hit in Jamaica from that hurricane and it's now over Cuba(where I've also been) heading towards the Bahamas(where I've been, twice actually) and I notice that bad things always seem to happen( natural disasters, terrorist attacks, etc) to pretty much every place I've been to, making  me really wonder if I AM a jinx!

 I also never had a towel again for my bath this morning and I think the reason is the boys always for some reason use 2-3 towels for each shower they take instead of just using the same one towel for their hair, face, and body like my hubby and I do. Last night I also had trouble sleeping again and woke up at 11 pm and couldn't get back to sleep until 3 am so today I'm extra tired and I'm up late tonight( 1 am or so) for the concert.

It's the last thing I have left to do before I die.

I also got this from Twitter last night, worried that I'm suicidal.

Of course  I am.

It's sort of my "default" setting.

HA.

I have been pretty much since I was 13 but I'm at the end of the line now and I'm simply tired of always fighting a war I just can't win and even the strongest warrior eventually reaches a point where they fight their final battle.

Someone online also commented that my kids being mean to me( such as telling me to kill myself, which is also damaging to MY  already-fragile mental health but no one ever cares about that) is irrelevant and that *I* "said awful things" to my kids,too, that "really messes up still developing kids" and caused them to need therapy and created "life-long insecurities" (like I have myself!) and that an "angry and cruel mother" messes kids up.

I agree I WAS angry; a result of all the trauma, misfortune,  injustice,and everything else that's happened to me in life; it's damaged and broken me, but I don't think that I was cruel, and I certainly hope I wasn't and I never intended to be and didn't mean to be and didn't think I was, and I'm sorry if I was,; I never meant to harm anyone and I tried to be a good mother and I did the best I could, even though being autistic and bipolar creates extra challenges.

It just makes me feel so bad, so ashamed, so guilty, so sad, such remorse, esp. since I really had no idea and it was never intended.

I feel like the world's most horrible, terrible, awful person.

To be fair though, the "thing" nowadays is also for grown-up kids to go into therapy and to be convinced that everything is their parents' fault, and it's not always the case. Sometimes kids are just "wired" wrong, and mental illness does  also run in our family as well.

Now it makes me hate myself even more.

I  guess I really don't deserve to live.

I should have died instead of Buddy.

Everyone would be better off with me gone.

I'm not living,anyway; I'm just existing.

Sometimes a child just goes in the wrong direction and it isn’t even their own fault but the parents have to live with it.-Elizabeth Beck

 

More Memes.

Like Jewish people,don't like the Israeli gov't.

That's good enough for me!

‘Everything I am, I can’t be anymore … so who does that make me?’ It was very hard,”-Laura Sammons