Daily Musing.

 

Rewind.

This is an old photo of me when I was 14 in 1981. I still remember how  I really loved that sweater. I was also wearing my Cougar boots I also loved. I had them for years and just kept moving up sizes. I still even have a pair now,too! They are THE *warmest* boots I've ever had! Looking at the photo now I don't think I really looked that bad (My Australian friend even said she thinks I was pretty!)but at the time I thought I was ugly. My nick-names in school at the time were also Dog, Ugly, Skuz, and Frankenstein-Face.

I'll never forget that.

 It was during the time I was being mercilessly bullied and it broke my self-esteem for the rest of my life. Now not only am I even uglier, but also fat and old as well. At least then I was thin and young. I wish I looked now like I did then when I just  thought  I was ugly. Now I'm really bad off.

My hubby finally got to see the new Spider-Man movie yesterday and he asked the youngest to join him but he has no interest(just like I don't; I have no interest in boring lame superhero movies) to which he replied, "That's YOUR thing!" and he was sitting in his recliner chair in the living room and said to me the youngest was having a shower and when I asked him how did he know he replied he kept getting drops of water on his head from the ceiling above so we have another leak again.

F*ck.

This is also me at age 8 or 9 in 1975/76 practicing my gymnastics visiting my aunt in the summer, and yesterday I've never seen so many birds in our yard and trees; there were so many and I also saw my Angel Bird and I got stung or bitten by something as well as just above my left wrist was itchy and swelled up and was squishy and got bigger the size of an egg and I've also had daily nausea now for over a week which is new and unusual as I'm rarely nauseated unless I'm prego or have the Flu, and my left eye was also itchy and swollen and even felt like pressure behind it as well.

Ugh!

I hate allergies!!

I also think the wildfire smoke might have been back yesterday as well as it was hazy and I could smell smoke and my eyes were stinging and burning.

This is also my "Little" Cousin's grand daughter. She looks good and healthy now and you'd never know she was born 2 months premature! She looks alot like me in my old baby photos.  My hubby also snarked the Caribbean Carnival parade was like the gay Pride parade so I told him he was a dingus(they don't put up with any of that LGBT crap in the Caribbean; they don't take too "kindly" to "Batty Boys" there), and Beja wouldn't eat the food I put out on a plate for him...but as soon as I tossed it outside in the dirt for the squirrels and birds he ate it, and I was trying to sneak a couple of cookies  so Beja wouldn't hear me and mooch but he heard the wrapper crinkling and quickly ran in from the other room but the good news is there's nothing wrong with his hearing. 😂

I was also surprised to see it was THIS hot out yesterday; 30C with a humidex of 36C because we were outside all day. Maybe due to it being cloudy and breezy it didn't feel  that bad but when I came back inside and checked the weather I was surprised. Today we have a weather warning for rain and storms. One of the things that also annoys other people the most about me is I'm always chattering and talking all the time and I "never shut up"( according to my hubby) and I think out loud, talk to myself, talk during TV shows and movies, I got in trouble in school for talking, etc.I'm just a chatterbox, but what can I do? That's just my personality, that's just me. 

My out loud way of existing just rubs people the wrong way. 😭

I'm sorry for being me.

I hate that a part of me still hopes.- 21

 

Today's Thought.

 

God Provides.

Good news!!

I found out from my hubby yesterday that the 31 YR old isn't moving back in-between dorms for a month like I originally thought.....but only for a couple of days as he starts his new semester this month!

What a relief! I was worried the rest of my summer would be ruined but he's moving out of his current dorm next Saturday and temporarily staying here and keeping his stuff here and then moving into his new dorm at the new university the Monday after, just 2 days after!

So now I only have to worry about him and Beja for a couple of days and not  for an entire month!

I was so worried and stressed over it I even noticed I was starting to bite on my knuckle again, something I haven't done since childhood,  I now know to be due to under extreme anxiety(I was being molested at the time), which still baffles me at the time why no one ever noticed or mentioned it.

God provides!

He always has, and despite all the hardships in my life He has always been there for me and been by my side and answered my prayers and got me thru.

I just realized another problem though: when my hubby is out of work, whether he gets fired or retires early I no longer have his employee coverage that pays 80% of my medications either, which cost hundreds  of $$$ a month and we can't afford it to which he just scoffed, "Just stop them."

Yeah.....riiiight....

Let's just stop my BP meds, my anti-depression meds, and my anti-migraine/seizure/bipolar meds and see how that goes...

It almost feels like I have a "deadline" and I'm running out of time; that I have to die before , and also before my life insurance runs out next month, and before my mother's creditors come for the house. I also can still remember pouring sand out of shorts and diapers and scrubbing dirty little feet and I miss those days.

There's nothing left for me now.

I also notice it smells musty on the second floor so something must be leaking and the other day it also smelled like weed in the second floor bathroom, where the youngest has his shower, and it wasn't me because my hubby doesn't let me smoke in the house, making me wonder if it might be the youngest; is he smoking weed now and sneaks it in the house? I don't care now he's over 18 but it does make me wonder. What else could it be? My hubby's also been extra "snappy" and "short" with me lately, likely stressed about his job but it's NOT my  fault though and he shouldn't take it out on me and yesterday he snapped, "How many times do I have to keep repeating the same thing?" Well, until I understand.

My hubby also went to see the new Spider-Man movie last night (he's the *biggest* Spider-Man fan in the world; just ask anyone who knows him) but it was sold out and he didn't think ahead of time to buy a ticket so he's going to try again tonight in another town, and he asked the 31 YR old to go with him but he's at his GF's parents house again this weekend so I guess last weekend's Meet The Parents must have gone well. They also found that missing 28 YR old luckily and all they said was she was found safe and is in the hospital so my guess is either it was a drug overdose or a mental health crisis but she was one of the lucky ones as it doesn't usually end up like this and yesterday a gob of congealed coconut oil landed on the floor so I 'flicked" it so Beja wouldn't eat it and it landed on the shower curtain and stuck  and I just thought it was the funniest thing ever and it cracked me up.

This morning I finally did it as well: I officially fell over putting on my underwear(I always tip over) and I fell foreward but put my hands out to catch myself before I fell flat on my face.

I hope that when each of us go, we are missed in ways we can’t imagine.-Josie Marcellino

 

Weekend Words.

But I can try to lessen my pain by loving them less.

You haven't met all the people who will love you yet.-Noora Makinen

God and my dog.

Never let them see you cry.

I'm hated for who I am.

All aboard!!

My hubby! 😂

I was never and will never be special.-Caffiecrow

Things they don't teach you in English class.

This is a hard sadness I’ve never felt before.-Charissa Casey