Clueless And Unforgiveness.

My mother has never validated me and more proof is the fact how she says how much she's suffered in life and had such a hard life when really her only hardships in her almost 78 years of living were alcoholic parents and a failed marriage.....whereas I, in just 52 years of life(so far) have already had 10 traumas, incl. being molested as a kid, from age 4 to 12 (and also an unhappy marriage as well, to which she dismissed as That was your choice, you're the one that wanted a family! as always turning it around to put the blame on me and invalidating my situation, and she also forgot that her failed marriage also affcted me too: I grew up without a father due to it, and in the 70's and 80's when this was very unusual and it was very difficult and embarrassing for me, but nevermind that; the focus is always about her and she always has to one-up me) and then when she started going on and on about my father cheating on her I said she should just forgive him and move on she got really mad and said it's not my place to tell her who to forgive and that he has lots to be forgiven for,etc... and I told her that we all do; we're all sinners and make mistakes and f*ck up  and need God's forgiveness and if I can forgive the relative that molested me surely she can forgive him....and that forgiveness doesn't mean that you condone what they did, or that you forget what they've done, ever trust them again or want them back in your life.....it just means that you let go of the toxic anger, hate and revenge; holding on to it hurts yourself more than it hurts them, but she was having none of it. She holds onto grudges longer than anyone I know. No wonder she's such a bitter, hateful old woman.

She then had the nerve to say that despite her only having gone thru 2 real trials versus my 10 that she still has gone thru way more in life than I have. She hasn't got a clue. WTF? I was just so mad I can't even LOOK at her now. You can't even compare it and NOTHING even comes close to being molested. Not even close. How dare she. Then she tries to even take "credit" for some of MY traumas too saying she was right here along-side me while they happened, such as my son with leukemia and other issues with my kids and I told her that her watching it from the sidelines is NOT the same thing as having it happen to your OWN child. She doesn't realize how lucky she was with me growing up; I was healthy and she didn't have to worry I would die or be taken away; no custody battle or serious illnessness or anything  even remotely near the stresses, traumas, worry and fear I've had to go thru with my kids. All I ever wanted was some support, some validation, some comfort and all I ever got was invalidation, blame,and watering-down of everything I've had to go thru in life, all the traumas that broke me and made me the shattered mess I am now.

As well, with my hubby away for 3 days I have this feeling of freedom,too, and it feels like a little crack has opened up temporarily and the light can shine thru, and today my abdomenal pain is really bad too and I'm really bleeding as well, bright red blood, and it's the youngest's birthday: he's 12 and now almost as tall as my hubby, and Buddy alerted me to something in the kitchen, indicating he found something so I opened up the cupboard.....and a mouse stuck it's head out so I picked it up and tossed it outside. Who needs a cat when you have a Dachshund? (who needs a cat anyway....they're freeloading assholes) he's a great mouser, but Dachshunds are hunting dogs though,too! I just love that little guy so much and he's the only one I know will never use me, hurt me, betray me, or stop loving me.