Finally Free.

Last night I had that recurring dream again it was my last day of highschool and reliving the feeling of how I just felt so completly and finally fully free, like a slave that had been freed or a prisoner who had just been released, as if a whole new life of freedom awaited me and I was so joyous I felt like doing flips and shrieks of joy down the street only this time it had a twist: I also died at the end and had that exact same feeling of total and complete freedom, of finally being set free, and the same thoughts of I'm finally free! I'll never have to come back to this Hell-hole ever again! the same way I felt when I graduated highschool and with the realization that there are really only 2 times in life you feel that degree and sense of utter and total freedom, of just being set free;  when you graduate and at the moment of death(although I also imagine I'd probably feel that way too if I divorce my hubby and end up eventually finding real love) and how at the moment of death your soul is just released and set free, soaring up high towards the light, being released from your cumbersome body and life, finally able to fly and soar high, breaking free and every shackle and bond that ever held you down is released and you can just let go and just be.

I still have the bad abdomenal pain as well and it also has this feeling of "fullness" and like if I go to the bathroom it will bring some relief only it doesn't. Yesterday I even shit 3 times but it made no difference and the pain is comparable to bad constipation pain only I'm not constipated and it's worse on the right side but is now also diffuse thru the entire abdomenal area and if I had to guess I'd say my appendix and perhaps something might have even ruptured esp, considering that blinding hot pain last week that woke me up in the middle of the night and for all I know there could be some infection raging in here and I'm slipping away and Buddy continues to go upstairs every morning with the kids too and leave me and it's not like he's mad at me or anything though as when he was here with me he was snuggling with me and I was petting him and he cuddled into me and licked me and wagged his tail.....maybe I'm just over-thinking it.....maybe he just discovered it's warmer in the 17 YR old's bedroom so he's hanging out there now?

I also figured when I die I will most likely probably die with:

My earphones in

My Converse hi-tops on

THC in my blood

In the sun or in bed

Buddy beside my side