Popcorn Lung.

My friend S in California said based on my breathing issues lately it sounds like what he had, what's known as Popcorn Lung, or officially, Bronchiolitis Obliterans which is basically the inflamation and destruction of the tiny air sacs in the lungs which is progressive and is similar to COPD but more serious and leads to lung transplant or death. It can be caused generally by exposure to certian  industrial chemicals or gases, or in his case from smoking too much weed (I kid you not) or from Rheumatoid Arthritis ( like what I have) and similar immune disorders. With my usual breathing problem ( due to my Alpha 1 anti-trypsin deficiency) I've had my whole life I've never been able to exert myself and get short of breath but the chest pain, heaviness on my chest and cough is new....it just makes me wonder..... I don't smoke that much weed though; I usually take the CBD oil for medical purposes and smoke flower only the odd time so I'm going to guess it's the due to the RA if that's indeed it, or maybe it's something entirely different, something new, such as a pulmonary embolism, collapsed lung (it's only on the one side, the left side) or maybe even a heart issue...I guess time will tell; it will either get better and resolve on it's own....or I'll die....

It was funny yesterday,too: I walk into the livingroom wearing my bathingsuit and carrying my towel and goggles and my hubby asks, Where are you going? and I raise my eyebrow and said sarcastically, really? I'm going to church! Look how I'm dressed! Where do you think I'm going? and at times he still seems "foggy" out of it and out of focus, like he's started sleepwalking again, which I haven't seen him do in over 25 YRS, or he'll randomly start sobbing, and we're still not sure yet if he knows about his dad, as none of his siblings have apparantly told him yet and I don't want to ask and bring it up and upset him yet part of me thinks he must know since his work knows( who else would have told them, how else would they have found out?) and he has 3 days off work which is the typical bereavement leave, and based on the way he's been acting, but how did he find out I wonder? My only guess is since he does monitor my e-mails and Internet(even though he doesn't know about this blog) maybe he's been reading the messages his brothers and I have been sending to eachother discussing it?

My mother's such a vulture,too, which just disgusts me beyond belief and I told her so; before the poor man was even dead she had the sheer gall to say, When they're giving away his things I could use his wheelchair; I'm going to need it soon..... and when I was horrified and admonished her and told her she was a vulture, she said, I am NOT! and Well, I DO need it...My God, that woman has no class. I also miss when the kids were young and I used to sit by the side of the tub and scrub their dirty feet, and rocking in the rocking chair holding them in the silence in the middle of the night with only the moonlight shining thru the window, and the funny little songs, games, rituals, jokes, and "Cuddle Time" etc. we used to share. I really miss those days. Now they're all grown up and don't need me, want me, or love me anymore and all I have is my dog.

I also hope this thing with Patti doesn't escalate any more and that she's done and doesn't cause me any more trouble and I'm just going to ignore it and just pretend like I'm oblivious but if she ever threatens or endangers my family in any way( which incl. harming Buddy) I will utterly destroy her. She doesn't know who she's dealing with, what I'm capable of, or what I used to do when I lived in Ottawa, before I had kids,long before I met her. I will ruin her.I will do whatever it takes to protect my family and keep them safe. I have done it before and I will again. No one messes with my family. No one. My family is off-limits and if you come for them I will go full nuclear on you.