The Phonecall.

Yesterday 3 of the out-of-town and out-of-province kids called my mother to wish her a Happy Birthday yet none of them ever call me on my birthday or even on Mother's Day and it really hurts. So it's not that they can't take time from their busy schedules to call or that they forgot because they do for her, they just don't bother for me; they just don't give a shit. The second-oldest called from BC and the 20 YR old called from Ottawa and the 21 YR old called from Alberta. When the 21 YR old called I was in the room to hear the phone but I didn't recognize the number so I let the machine pick it up (yes, I screen my phonecalls) and they hung up at first but then he called right back with this message, Pick up the phone!  but voices sound different over the phone and I didn't recognize him or know who it was so I said he must have the wrong number and then he goes, This is your son! and then I go Which one? because him and the oldest live together and both sound pretty much the same. My mother had already gone up to bed( there is something like a 3 HR time difference; we're ahead) so I talked with him and it was really nice! He just started a new job he likes and sounded good and seems happy and I'm so glad. He also recently had bloodwork done and it looks good; no signs of the cancer recurring( he had leukemia when he was 7) and of all the kids he's always been the one I think I worry about the most as he's always been the most "fragile", even before he was born; I was bleeding thru the pregnancy with him and he was a preemie who was born not breathing and spent a week in NICU with periods of not breathing and then the cancer....

I was just thinking about him earlier in the day actually, wondering how he was and how it's been so long since I've heard from him so it was nice he called and I got to talk to them. With the kids that live away I do send them stuff by e-mail but they rarely reply back so I don't really hear from them much and I know they're busy with their own lives and with jobs and school and stuff and I don't want to intrude or interrupt them so I give them their space they need now they're adults but I still do want to keep in touch and let them know I still think about them. As a mother you don't just stop loving someone, thinking about them, caring for them, praying for them, or worrying about them just because they grow up and move away.I really liked talking to him and he was actually nice to me too and civil and mature, unlike most of them who treat me like shit and it really meant alot.

Maybe not all of them are hopeless. I feel badly like I failed as a mother that all of my kids ended up f*cked-up but then I realize that no one has "perfect" kids; it just doesn't exist and every family is f*cked-up in it's own way; we just happen to be somewhat more so than most, or at least I think so anyway. I feel badly that all of the kids have some sort of mental illness they struggle with and I don't know if it's from having to live on the 'run" for so long growing up or just because mental illness runs on both sides of the family and they just inherited it, or what, but it makes me feel badly and if it's anything I did I'm sorry but it sure wasn't intentional and I didn't mean it or realize it and I'm so so sorry and pray they can forgive me and I'd take it all back  if I could. I don't know what else to say.Is that maybe why they hate me so much?