Broken Me.

This morning I was woken up once again with a blinding headache I still have and even  when I first got up(and my body was most at rest and calm) my BP was high again still too: 165/ 85 ( normal is 120/80) and my heart rate was 99 ( my usual is 65 or so) and I have alternating chills and sweats and debilitating fatigue(all I want to do is sleep all day),extreme thirst,muscle and joint pain, abdomenal pain and diarrhrea, am dizzy and light-headed, chest pain, have trouble with depth perception, difficulty doing ordinary tasks now too such as cooking,spelling,with words, and reading, and have no concept of time and I'm still sick too and the it suddenly hit me: maybe my delusions I've been having have a physical cause? Maybe it has something to do with the virus or infection I've been battling for the past 2 weeks? I know that high fevers can cause delirium and I also have a stiff sore neck too(my hubby is also compalining of a sore stiff neck today too) so maybe it's even something like sepsis or viral meningitis or something I could have picked up in the crowded eye exam place a few weeks ago and there were lots of kids there which are known vectors of meningitis and although my kids have been vaccinated against it I have never been so it is a possibility...... in any case it just resolves on it's own( unlike bacterial meningitis which is almost always fatal) and I have this hopeful optimistic feeling that it's just temporary

With the delusions it feels like I have a fragmented mind and I get lost in it and have an altered reality and at the time it seems so real and I can't tell the difference and it's not until later that it's like this "fog" or "cloud" of illusion lifts and I can see clearly and only then realize it wasn't real but I've never had anything like that before even though I have had hallucinations and heard voices before; the hallucinations since the summer and the voices for a couple of years but the delusions are completely new. It might have some other organic reason as well, such as when I fainted and fell and hit the back of my head 2 summer ago, or from low potassium like I had before from my failing kidneys(which also regulate BP), or some other electrolyte balance due to it, or toxin buildup in the brain due to kidney or liver deline, or perhaps maybe it is  late onset schizophrenia although it's kind of a "coincidence" it happens now when I also have the virus or infection or whatever it is and I have the fever and  splitting headache,too. I can't help but wonder if there is some connection as anything affecting the brain can cause psychosis, incl. injury, cancer, infecvtion, etc.

I also asked my friend O (from grade 10) who has a Doctorate in psychology what he advises me to do regarding the delusions, which step to atke first: to make an app't with my GP or go to the ER and he suggested just see my doctor as the ER is not a "nice place" (I assume he means mentally ill are not treated well there?) unless I'm in crisis ( feel I'm a danger to myself or others) but then I have a dilemma too: if it is  a disease or infection I really don't want it cured; I want it to just take it's natural course and then I can finally be set free.....Buddy is also worried about me and can sense something's wrong as he never leaves my side, just as I did when I was worried he was dying; he whimpers, whines and barks at me and licks me, as if he senses some change, maybe can smell some sort of chemical imbalance or something? We love and look after eachother. Going thru delusion is very frightening, not knowing what's real andwhat's not and not being able to trust my own mind, but I trust in God to give me strength and to help me thru just like He always has. Fear, worry, and stress and very strong but so is faith and hope.