D.I.Y.

All my entire life I've always wanted lots of kids. For one because I grew up a lonely only child and I always wanted siblings and I swore my own kids wouldn't grow up like I did and plus I used to really like kids ( until I had my own) and I'm pro-life and believe in offering life and not denying it, and also because I was never really loved, wanted, accepted, included, good enough, or felt worthy or like I belonged, fit in or was welcome in life so I figured if no one loves me I can just make my own people that will love me, sort of a D.I.Y (Do-it-yourself ) project( and it was just a few years ago that I even found out what D.I.Y even meant, just like I just found the other day what a Glory Hole is....yeah, I know, I'm a bit slow, ha,ha) so I figured if I had lots of kids I'd just create my own family that would love me because even though I'm too ugly  for anyone to love I figured my own kids wouldn't care, and in the beginning they didn't; when they were younger they did love me(and it was really nice) but as they got older and they began to understand more about mental illness and Asperger's and all my medical issues and that I wasn't like other people's mothers they begun to resent and hate me , and blame me for things that were beyond my control and seeing how both my mother and hubby always demeaned me, insulted me, put me down, mistreated me and abused me they copied them and began to treat me the same way so as they grew older even they didn't love me anymore either until I had no one to love me anymore other than my dog and God. My plan failed miserably. I never had or saw any promise in myself or in my life, all I ever was  worthless, a failure, nothing, never good enough, and all the traumas, misfortunes, struggles, bad luck, medical issues, abuse, bullying, rejection, etc. in my life has turned me angry, bitter and withdrawn, and I'm alot like Rosie O'Donnel. a fat, ugly,manly, opinionated,loud, big mouth who doesn't take any shit from anyone anymore, whose life has made me utterly miserable and unhappy.

Now even my own family mocks and ridicules me. yesterday was yet another example. My hubby finally went to Wal-Mart  to get our stuff and he phoned because he wasn't sure of my thing and he said he couldn't find it even though I know it's there because I always get it there and it's the only place they have it; he was just looking in the wrong aisle and I told him so and was trying to re-direct him to the proper place and he kept yelling at me and calling me names and putting me down condescendeningly and saying he wasn't going to waste his time, etc, total disregard for me, and told me to shut up,etc. and hung up on me, and he's always yelling at me I do the laundry when he has a shower( even when I start the laundry first and I'm not even aware he's gone in there and it's not my job to "monitor" his actions every second or keep track of where he is) even though I do it at my  schedule, not his and it's not always about him, and would he prefer I don't do it at all then, or how about he can do it himself then.......and him and the kids always change my music on me,too, and make fun of the way I talk and eat and how I always repeat myself (even though it's an Asperger's  thing and I can't help it and they know it) and mock all my medical issues (which I have been disanosed with and am on medications for) my Disease of the day and say it's just an "excuse" to be "lazy"  and accuse me of just making it up,... etc. it really hurts  to be so excluded, victimized, mocked, etc. esp. by my own family, the very ones that are supposed  to love me the most  and protect and defend me.

The person I used to be and was before died and so I re-invented myself, started over and was re-born, and now she's died,too.