My Leg.

Shit, I'm still alive. I had that dream awhile ago I was to die yesterday, on the 29th but I'm still here. Aw, shit. I guess sometime's a dream is just a dream. Buddy also keeps humping, pawing at, and excessively licking and barking at my left leg,too, the one with the lump at the back of my thigh the size of my hand too that's itchy at times I've had for a few days now(maybe even longer I don't know; I just recently noticed it but my legs are thick like tree trunks so it could have been there for awhile and went unnoticed like when my cousin was prego I couldn't even tell because she was fat even beofre so it just blended in) as if he's trying to alert or warn me about something, like he does before a storm is coming, I'm about to have a seizure, or an intruder is around, whether it's his nemesis the Grey Cat or someone on our porch or too close to the house in any way, so I wonder what he's trying to tell me? What is it? Could I perhaps have the cellulitis like my mother has or something,too? Or maybe even cancer or a blood clot? He's overly concerned about that leg, refusing to leave it alone and always trying to draw my attention to it so I wonder what it is? Doubling my diuretic seems to be working now too as I now notice the swelling in my legs, ankles, feet and hands is alot less and even my double-chin is gone now too( yay! a bonus!) and the rolls of fat on my stomach and side are much less now as well(I probably even lost weight too as my pants are looser now but the scale is broken so I have no way to know for sure) and I notice I can even breathe a bit better too and am not as short of breath, I guess now with less fluid no longer in my lungs and around my heart? It's doing it's job!

A thought also occurred: is it possible I could have had TB sometime and it settled into this; into kidney damage, cough, and back, joint and bone pain? it's possible since I have been to alot of places where it still exists and I also remember too my hubby telling me decades ago his mother had it, so it 's one of those things that just makes me wonder......I'm just trying to "connect the dots" and the 13 YR old always mocks my Disease of the Day but I know something is causing all my symptoms and making me feel like this; I'm just trying to figure out what it is, sort of like a mystery. My family makes fun of me too and thinks I'm a crazy conspiricy theorist about the "pandemic" too as I think there's alot more going on that they're not telling us and I know I am crazy(but it still doesn't mean that I'm not right about this!) but a little validation would also be nice,too.

In the video game Aminal Crossing  the 17 YR old is also discriminating and only allows the cute villagers into her village and kicks out the "ugly" ones, and really hates the squirrel she calls "hideous" and won't let any "ugly" ones in, like an elite club or something and I think it's awful, as being an ugly person who has been hated, left out, held back, discriminated against, lost opportunities, always the last one chosen, never picked, bullied, rejected, not accepted, etc. simply for the way I look(which I can't help and have no control over) this is a particularly sore subject with me, and it really bothers and angers me when people are rejected, left out, considered not "worthy" or rejected as friends or whatever because they are deemed ugly because I know how it feels, and I've also always been hated, yelled at, criticized, put down, scolded, punished, rejected, scorned, etc. for not conforming to other people's expectations and ideals of what they think I'm supposed to be and for just being myself. Life is already hard enough as it is but when you also are ugly, have Asperger's, bipolar, Social Phobia, etc. it just makes it even that much more difficult.

The 25 YR old also got frustrated mixing up his robotic assistants Google Home and Alexa he deemed First World Problems, and not only does Buddy bark when someone's at the door but also when the phone rings too, to let me know(as I don't hear well) as he's a smart dog, and the other day I noticed too how my mother gave the rest of us 3 chicken wings each for dinner but gave the 13 YR old 6; twice as many(so much for being "fair"), like usual. always special and more for him,and her excuse was he's growing! Yeah, well, isn't the 17 YR old still growing, too, plus she also had an eating disorder so we have to esp. make sure she gets enough food....she also criticized me last night for only ever telling him off all the time and never saying what a good job he did,etc. but that's not entirely true; it's just that he's always acting-up, being so mouthy, annoying, provoking, stirring the pot, being a shit-disturber, aggravating, defiant, disobedient, etc. so he has to be dealt with accordingly( it just so happens that I'm the only  one that does, so that makes me the Bad Guy; my mother and hubby let him get away with everything) but when he does do something good I do tell him, such as telling him he did a good job cutting the grass,making his Minecraft, or praising him for how smart he is( the kid's a genius) it's just that he usually doesn't  behave so well and is usually having to get told off.