Birthday Boys.

Today is my oldest's birthday. He's now 31. Here he is seen 17 YRS ago when he was 14. When I was his age, at 31 I already had 7 kids and he's still single but he's actually better off. Much less stress, trust me. I was in labour 24 HRS with him and he was born the next day 18 HRS of that unmedicated I might add as I wanted a natural birth but after 18 HRS of that torture and going to the edge of unconsciousness with the pain and sheer fatigue I eventually gave in. My spine also got chipped having him,too, the beginning of my life-long back trouble. At that point I was even begging them to kill me; anything to just put me out of my misery. I can still remember too holding him for the first time looking him in the eyes and saying, You know, you might be an only child..... and the nurse laughing..... and then me seeing her just 13 months later.....the same nurse....and many times again after that as I ended up having 11 kids in total, 9 of them at that exact same hospital, and no, it never got any better; the "shortest" labour still being over 14 HRS and that was my last one and it was induced due to my liver failure and Obstetric Cholestasis  and I still had massive blood loss with every one,too. It was never quick or "easy" for me and I always had complications but they were born alive( although one of them barely and had to be revived) and survived birth.

I can't believe it's been 31 years already though, holy shit, it seems like just awhile ago he was born and that I was prego with him. Time goes by soooo fast. He's all grown-up now and a man himself, old enough to have his own family now, and in just 2 more days, on the 18th, baby # 5 (pictured below) also has a birthday and he turns 26. With him I almost stopped breathing during labour and had to be monitored extra closely by the anesthesiologist and I could only get 1/10th of the pain medication as a result...it was awful, plus the entire time I was terrified with worry that if I did stop breathing (they tried to reassure me, Oh, don't worry; we can revive you) my baby would die or end up brain damaged without oxygen and I kept telling them repeatedly if that did happen to get him out first, to not let him die. Such scary times. A mother never forgets.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOYS!

I also wonder if my pain issues( headaches, muscle and joint pain, extreme fatigue) might be Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that I was diagnosed with my last year of highschool back in 1985? I remember I went to all kinds of specialists to see why I was fading away and back then it was called Epstein-Barr Virus and it lasted an entire year and I remember just coming home from school, doing my homework and going to bed at 6 pm I was always so tired and it's the same now; even the slightest task leaves me completely exhausted, such as cooking a meal or doing laundry or walking the dog and then I have to go lay down or even take a nap and they say when it relapses it's supposed to be even worse than it was the first time around and be very debilitating, with the fatigue as severe as end-stage kidney failure, and so far I've been like this for 2-3 years now, so it makes me wonder, although it might also be end-stage kidney disease,too(plus I also have Rheumatoid Arthritis,too)... I also feel like I'm dying but how can I tell if I actually really am or if it's just pain, fatigue, and weariness from chronic illness?.I also noticed the other day when we were in the kitchen that my mother looked really yellow; jaundiced, as in liver failure, unless it was just the lighting or I imagined it and she is nauseated every morning when she wakes up so maybe she does have liver issues, who knows? Her blood sugar was also a whopping 24 too and should ideally be under 10, with 8 preferred...

I bought Buddy a new toy when I was in Wal-Mart the other day,too, thinking I would pick up a Christmas gift for him but then I thought to myself, He is 14 1/2' he may not be here at Christmas; you should get it for him now.... and so I did, while he's still here to enjoy it, and he does, and so much so he even hid it and buried it under a blanket so my hubby wouldn't know he even has it, hiding it from him, as he always takes his fave. toys and teases him and gets him all upset and he barks at me telling me to tell him to give it back, and I even got one that looks enough like the others too hoping he wouldn't even notice there was a new one in there(but he still did) to single out to torment him with( and he did try and asked Oooh, what's this? Is this something new? with that stupid grin on his face and I told him it was nothing and Buddy snarled at him to back off) and yesterday he'd left it up high on a chair and couldn't reach it and the smart dog barked at me to come and get it for him! I just love that little guy so much and getting him was the best thing I ever did and that ever happened to me. he's such a blessing. No one and nothing has ever brough me such joy and love like he does. My biggest fear is also being abandoned and he's the only one I know will never stop loving me or leave me but what about when he's gone and my mother dies and the youngest turns 18 and I'm pretty sure my hubby will leave.....and then I'll be left all on my own.....then what? I'll be all alone. I hope I die first and then I won't have to worry.