Look! Can you believe it? I finally got sunflowers! I had been asking my hubby for simply forever to keep an eye out for them whenever he goes out and he always said they never had any, it wasn't the season, etc. which I know it is (late summer/ early fall) and yesterday he had to go to the store as we ran out of bread and milk(like we always do) and I reminded him yet again to look for them while he was out only this time the 21 YR old( who was still visiting; everyone went back home later yesterday) also went with him and it was her who actually spotted them and found them......and then he was like, Oh! I've seen those but I thought they were daisies! Sunflowers are supposed to be BIGGER! UGH! What? Really? They were there the entire time, and besides, daisies have white petals, not yellow (duuh!) OMG! I can't believe it, and for someone so smart, he can really be dumb! I'm just glad that I finally got my sunflowers though and I guess this year's crop is just smaller; it must have just been a bad year for them as I only got one nice big tall one when I grew them and the others were small puny things,too but a sunflower is still a sunflower, and like people, come in all different shapes and sizes. I do wish they'd leave the leaves on them though as they look so bare, so naked without them and it adds a nice leafy green to it and more natural as flowers just look weird with stems and no leaves.
I also miss church, the priests, the liturgy,and the music, yet at the same time I still don't believe (or in some cases at least doubt or question) some doctrine, such as the Trinity; I think God and Jesus are 2 separate Beings and I think the Holy Spirit isn't a person but rather a force, like wind or gravity, and the Transubstansiation(Eucharist) and the idea of eating someone's flesh and drinking their blood just sounds horrific and cannabalistic to me, and then there's the whole pedophile priest scandal, and LGBT people; why would God create them that way and then tell them it's sinful, and it would make more sense tome that Jesus was a prophet than God's Son but I was just brought up to believe that and that's what everyone around me believed but when I think about it logically it doesn't make any sense; He can just create who and whatever He wants;He's God,and there would be no need for a blood sacrifice; He just decrees a thing and it is, and I have a problem thinking that a kind compassionate and loving God would have His Son or even His prophet, so cruelly crucified; it just doesn't make sense, and why would the Romans crucify someone just for preaching and being non-violent, esp. when Jesus was non-political and was never a threat to Roman authority? I keep praying on it but the thing is how do I know what comes from God and what doesn't? Was it Him that called me away from false worship.... or Satan leading me away from the truth...or is it Him calling me back to truth....or Satan trying to call me back to falsehood? How do I know where it's coming from and which path to follow? That's what's confusing me. If only I knew the truth about who Jesus really was (and I have no doubt He existed and that He was sent from God but exactly in what capacity I'm not sure) then the answer would be more clear....
Yesterday the 13 YR old also blasted redneck country music which he knows I really hate on the Google home device and even muted the mic so that I couldn't command it to turn off, knowing it would infuriate me, which it did, and he was laughing his ass off, and I yelled at him it's NOT "funny" to provoke people and to do things purposely just to piss people off and get them mad and to enjoy watching them get mad; that there's something inherently wrong with him if he gets "off" and enjoys getting and watching people get mad; he's just like my hubby, and then he wonders why I think he's such a brat, and the 17 YR old wouldn't let me feel how soft her new hoodie is either, saying she 'doesn't want me to touch it" as if I have "cooties" or something and I hate it how they treat me and they just won't leave me alone, they just don't stop and I want to run away; running has been my natural instinct my entire life; I just want to be free, and the way my hubby hates my Reggae is the same way I hate his redneck sports that he watches on TV or listens to on the radio too; it's the same thing; just like how he can't stand it when I have my reggae on I equally can't stand to hear or see that crap,either; it's the same thing but for some reason he just doesn't see it also works both ways, as everything's always about him all the time and my feelings don't matter.
Awhile ago the oldest also said how he's been "damaged" growing up,too, and I was shocked and saddened by his revelation, as he was one I was always closest to and get along well with and I always loved him and I know I was a really good mother to him and I never abused him or anything so how could this be? Maybe he just meant growing up in our crazy family in general and not anything specific that I did because I know we were close and I was a good mother to him, but maybe it was just having a bipolar Aspergers mother took it's toll and for that I am so sorry and I can never apologize enough and if I knew then what I know now; how damaged the kids would turn out, I never would have had kids but I had no idea and I meant well and had good intentions and I tried but like everything else in my life it just went all wrong and I failed at that,too and I am sorry and I pray that they can fogive me and at the same time show some compassion as I do suffer from mental illness, trauma and other limitations I can't help as well as lack of support and whatever I did I still have no idea but I'm sorry for it anyway and whatever damage it may have caused
Today is also our Thanksgiving and so here is a list of things I am thankful for:
- Buddy(the best thing to ever happen to me!)
My faith in God
Summers
Camp and cottage as a kid
My travels
Friends
Pets
When the kids were little and they used to love me
The beauty of nature
Our old Toronto house
The 70's and 80's
Music
Bowmore and Riverdale( my 2 fave. schools)
The YMCA group in Ottawa and the friends I made there
Happy childhood
Happy memories
No comments:
Post a Comment