Ooops!!

I feel sooooo bad. Yesterday this photo of the 26 YR old that used to be hanging up on the wall was laying on the table and I felt sad seeing it there all abandoned and I thought someone had disrespected it by taking it off the wall and leaving it all alone on the table so i felt "sorry" for it and decided to be nice and put it back up on the wall......

Ooops.....

A short while later I heard this horribly loud crashing bang!  I thought the kitchen ceiling had finally fallen down and my hubby also heard it all the way down in the basement(where he was working in his office) and the 17 YR old also heard it all the way upstairs in her room and they both came to see what it was.....and it turned out it was his photo that had fallen down off the wall and came crashing down and all the glass shattered and broke. Now I feel so bad. As it turned out my hubby said it was there( taken off the wall and put on the table) for a reason; that the hook was broken and it was being fixed, only I never knew that( no one ever tells me anything) and I just saw it there and put it back where it belonged, just trying to help, but as always everything I do incl. every good intention, always ends up back-firing on me and blowing up in my face and people get mad at me. Stuff like this happens to me all the time and I feel like such a failure, such a flop, such a failure. I always mean well, have good intentions,and I try so hard but things never work out and always go against me. It never fails. I don't know if it's an Asperger's thing or just my usual bad luck (I always wonder if I'm maybe I'm just cursed or some sort of "jinx" or something?) or maybe I really am just a failure and can't do anything right? I just want to crawl into myself and never come out. He hasn't seen it yet and doesn't know but I fear he's going to be soooo upset, so mad, so angry and hurt with me even though it was an accident and an honest mistake and I meant well and now I feel really bad. I just wish I never existed at all. I just can't seem to do anything right and all I ever do is screw up all the time and everyone always hates me.

This morning I also found another dead mouse floating in the toilet and my mother joked asking if it was doing the backstroke and I replied, No, it was doing the deadman's float!  and my left foot really hurts too it feels like every bone is broken and I can hardly walk I assume is my arthritis worsening and my stomach feels sick as well and I feel so sweaty, and the 13 YR old told me he hopes I get the Corona virus too because I think it's all being way over-blown and exaggerated just to scare people as it makes it easier to control them thru fear and compliance and it feels like our house is a glass candle and I'm the flame trying to flicker and shine bright and stay lit trying to survive and my family is the wax melting all around it that puts out the flame and kills it, and the Toronto mayor says NOT to go to the Black Friday sales as it's "not worth" the risk of getting or spreading the virus either but I'd take the chance if I could get a good 75% deal off something good although I'm so broke I can't even afford to save $$$$, and the Premier says to only celebrate Christmas with members of your own household too but no way anyone will obey that( we're sure not and having the out of town kids coming) as it's a family time when out of town family traditionally all come back home to visit and it's bad enough everything else was casncelled and ruined this year; we're NOT  letting them take Christmas taken from us ,too, and the Flu, suicides, car accidents, etc. kill more people than the Corona virus do yet they don't make such a big fear-mongering display and shut everything down over those.....

The 13 YR old also heard about Biden's "transition" ( to the White House) and he goes, Is he becoming a woman now? and the other day when he said Hoorey, hooray, let's be gay!  my friend I ( who happens to be gay) suggested that maybe he's trying to tell us something, that maybe he's gay himself and I suppose time will tell I guess, but in theory out of 11 kids I suppose someone will statistically be gay as they say one of 10 people is gay.....Today it's also a balmy 10 C once again and raining so all the snow is gone now, and the annoying cat next-door keeps coming up on our vernada and yesterday it kept my mother "hostage" and wouldn't let her go back in the house; it kept trying to get inside and kept swatting at her and hissing at her and I'm not afraid of animals; I'm afraid of people; they're the ones that will hurt you, esp. the ones that are supposed to love you and have your back, and the thing about being mentally ill too is that no one ever listens to you, believes you or takes anything you say seriously either and just always dismisses it as you just "being crazy" but it doesn't mean that we're stupid or wrong.

How do you become yourself again?