Tired.

I'm so tired.  Tired of constant daily physical and emotional pain. 3 YRS now of physical pain no one seems to know the cause or the cure, and decades of emotional and mental anguish and pain. Tired of my life, my family, of being me, of being ugly, being fat, being dumb, having Asperger's, having mental illness, being bullied, being excluded, being ridiculed, being demeaned, put down, rejected, unwanted, mocked, being unloved, longing for a life and a love I'll never have, for being damaged from a life of constant trauma, misfortune, pain, suffering, crisis, having everything always being so hard and such a struggle, tired of always fighting and struggling in life, tired of always having bad luck and having nothing ever go right and always going wrong, tired of one non-stop thing after another, tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of misery, tired of pain, tired of suffering, tired of emptiness and longing, tired of loneliness, tired of life. I'm just done. I give up. I've had enough. I can't keep on like this, there's just no point. It never gets any better and there's no hope for the future, and I wonder why my life ended up so miserable and why I had to suffer and struggle so much, why everything always has to be so hard and such a struggle all the time; was it to humble me,perhaps? If I wasn't ugly, dumb, and had a lifetime of trauma, bullying, rejection, etc. would I have maybe been proud? Is that it, or am I being punished for sins in a past life, or what? Either way I can't take any more of this. I don't belong here. I want to go Home.

Yesterday was even worse than usual and my hubby was yelling at me and putting me down even more than usual because I needed help with the TV and the computer and he has no time to bother helping stupid people like me who aren't "worth" his precious time and effort and it gets him mad and he kept screaming at me and belittling me and yelling at me to shut up etc. and wouldn't help me and told me to figure it out for myself and I tried; he wouldn't help me cast my TV show onto the TV so I tried to watch it on my computer and I found a site that had it but it wouldn't unless I disabled my Ad Block and I had no idea how to do that so I Googled and it explained how but I can't follow or understand instructionsI tried....and tried... but I just didn't understand it and couldn't even find what they were referrring to and I got so overwhelmed and frustrated and ended up in a full-blown Asperger's meltdown, angering him even more and then he accused me of "messing up" my computer and making it worse( but he was the one that wouldn't help me in the first place remember, and it would have taken him, a computer genius mind you, less than 5 minutes to help me) and then later I was trying to get the photo for this post( see below) and it wouldn't work either and I spent over 30 minutes on it but it didn't work so I asked for his help and he bawled me out and yelled at me and was berating me I just gace up and tried again this morning and it worked...

Last night I went to bed so dejected, so fed up so done with it all I came thisclose to killing myself last night and how easy it would have been to just finally do  it and lay down snuggling beside Buddy and die and just drift off and never wake up and just be done  with it all and finally be free, no more pain, more suffering, no more struggling, no more fighting, no more anxiety, stress, worry, etc. just peace...but then I looked up at Buddy looking at me with sad eyes and that's the only thing that stopped me; I didn't want to leave him all alone; how much it would hurt him to leave him behind as we have such a strong connection he would feel the same losing me as I would losing him and I can't do that to him; we're eachother's lifeline, and I gathered him in my arms and cuddled him, burying my face into his soft warm fur and cried and we fell asleep that way. I figured there's no "rush"; there's always another day but I'll never let them see me cry. I'll never let them know how much they broke me.

These are my new natural supplements the doctor recommended as well and I sent my hubby to pick them up for me ( since he was out anyway) and I had no idea how expensive  they were! It was 80$! Holy shit!! I would have thought 10$ or so each but this is crazy! Luckily my hubby got them and I only have to take it for 3 months! No wonder  just rich people generally take herbal supplements as they cost so much! Even before this I take dandilion root and milk thistle for my liver and IB Gard for my IBS so now I take a whole whack of herbal stuff along with my prescribed pills so I am a walking pharmacy! The 26 YR old luckily seems ok too follwing his head injury except he's tired and has a headache, which is to be expected though after a blow to the head but luckily he seems ok otherwise, thank God! I wonder though why they don't wear those padded sparring helmets in jiu-jitsu though for head protection?