Annus Horribilis.

Today is the last day of this year and GOOD! It's been the worst year ever with the so-called "pandemic" being over-blown putting everyone into fear mode, afraid of eachother, afraid of going out, afraid of their own shadow, so scared into blind submission by the authorities they'll believe anything and do anything they are told all deluded under the false notion as long as they obey they will be kept "safe" by Big Brother, that he "knows best" for you and are even willing to give up their rights and freedoms( incl. freedom of mobility and freedom of assembly) and willing to even give up seeing their own family and friends and other social supports and traditions, holidays, customs, etc.because the tyranical Powers That Be have them all scred shitless into compliance and submission and I expect the New Year to be no different( remember at the beginning they said the lockdowns would only last 2 weeks....yeah, right, they also said Income Tax would be a "temporary measure" during the war yet here we are some 80 years later and we still have it... and 10 months later we're still under lockdown, too, only increasing..) and the more you comply the more restrictions will increase and once they take your freedom away (and you just passively stand there and let them) you never get it back. It also sucked for the kids too having all their activities, classes, events and trips cancelled and I could no longer go to church anymore,either but I think the worst of it is the blatant abuse of State power  ushering in the New World Order and Great Reset and the majority of people are just oblivious to it. I'm sure people will still secretly celebrate New Year's Eve too, just in people's homes and not in ballrooms and hotels. I remember going to it when I was younger, in my 20's and 30's and wearing the fancy evening gowns,too, but I haven't for years now, now I'm old and go to bed early, ha,ha.

I also heard on the news last night how you now need a negative COVID 19 test result before you can travel or enter the country, and it reminds me of in Nazi Germany Show me your papers! and may also very well be The Mark Of The Beast in the Bible Book Of Revelation  where in the Last Days  imminent to Messiah's return everyone will be forced to bear the Mark Of The Beast  in order to be able to buy, sell, trade, travel, etc. and God's people are warned NOT to receive it, and this sure sounds like it could be it as it grants access to those who have it and singles out and ostracizes and punishes those who don't. The other day I also asked my hubby and the 13 YR old when they came home where they were and the 13 YR old said to get the new Corona vaccine and I flipped but luckily he was just pranking me but with them you never know and I nearly had a heart-attack and I heard as well if you travel and return home here you have to quarantine for 14 days and I laughed Yeah, like how are they even going to know? What are they going to do? Have armed guards stand outside your door or have drones fly above your house to make sure you don't leave? like in one of those futuristic Big Brother Sci-Fi movies, half-joking, but then they said they will follow-up, incl. monitoring and home visits!! Holy shit! That is just sooooo intrusive and if that's NOT a dictatorship I don't know what is, spying on and surveilling citizens to ensure they follow the rules and obey. It reminds me of the 13 YR old too asking me why I pick up Buddy's shit and he shrugged I've broken 'thousands' of laws(HA!) but I told him it's only unjust laws and it's on princple but you shouldn't be leaving your dog shit on someone's else's property legal or not; that's just gross and plain rude, just like you shouldn't br throwing your garbage outside(like my hubby does.)

This year the 17 YR old has also withdrawn away from me even more as well which hurts so much because she was the one I loved most and was the closest to and the hardest thing is to give up someone you love the most and have to accept she's "gone" now and it's almost as if she died and she's no longer that same sweet, kind girl that used to love me and I have the best memories of and will forever cherish, and it's not just that she grew up, but she completely changed, she's an entirely different person; it's as if she morphed and I don't even recognize her anymore or like her anymore she's become this mean, cruel, cold, bossy, nasty, hateful person I don't even know or recognize anymore and when I look at her I even see a "darkness" in her eyes and it was scary and I know what I saw. It's more than just the usual teen angst and rebellion,too, so I hope she's NOT struggling again  with anorexia and self-harm and I'm trying to hard to find out what's going on with her and why she's so hostile to me and shutting me out but she won't tell me or let me in or talk to me and I still have no idea what I did( whether I did or she thinks I did or it was some sort of misunderstanding or what) but whatever it WAS I'm sorry and I apologize and it's in the past and I never meant it whatever it was, esp. since I'm not even aware of it so it certainly wasn't intentional and I hope she can forgive me, heal, and move past it. I know they don't read the blog( they didn't like it I had my other blog and it would get censored so I stopped posting and as far as they know that was the end of my blog but I have this secret one now they don't know about because I still need to blog as it's therapeutic; I need to vent and express myself by writing and also to have something that's just all mine, something apart from them) so I know she'll never see it but that's my hope....and I keep praying. The hardest thing is also to let go of the one you love the most but I will always love her no matter what and no matter how much she hurts me and it's always the one you love the most that hurt you the most.

Yesterday the 17 YR old also said she hates Buddy and my hubby cruelly replied, Don't worry, he'll be dead soon!! which was a horrible, awful thing to say, and he did at least replace my cut/broken headphone wires and the new one is pink too to match and given that he got it so quickly makes me think it must have been cut intentionally as usually he doesn't care just something for me, unless she just doesn't want to hear my "stupid music", and I think the worst of what makes me so ugly-looking is my masculine features: my large burly husky body (like a bear) even though I WAS thin until my 40's, my big long head, long face, wide forehead, and big square jaw and chin than looks so manly and with no real "feminine" features( other than boobs) I only have thin eyebrows and manicured nails to show I'm female( and even when I had long hair and make-up I still looked like a guy in drag!) and I still remember the time one of the kids' friends was over and he thought I was his grandfather!! I can't help but think if I was a dude that maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have been so ugly.I also had such a good nap I knew it was good as when I woke up I didn't know where I was or what time or day it was.

Last night taking Buddy out for his final pee before bed The Beast next-door (the vicious Pit Bull my mother thought were banned but maybe drug dealers are exempt for security reasons?) was out running loose yet again and it came charging right as us as soon as it saw us coming down the stairs and I scooped up Buddy up under my arms to protect him and said, F*ck! Oh, shit.... and then I yelled at it, trying to shoo it away and the owner comes running out and yells at me, screaming loudly Are you stupid? She has a muzzle on!! Well, first of all, asshole, it's pitch black dark out  so I can't see if the monster has a muzzle on or not, plus it's a dark dog and would blend in, and I'm not in any state of mind right then to really even notice either as I'm scared shitless trying to protect my little dog!! Luckily he called it back but I was so scared I was literally crying and shaking when we got back inside and I was really shaken up by it, and mad,too; what an asshole, and  it really hurts,too; everyone always calls me "stupid", from  the bullies in school, my own family, neighbours, even random strangers online, everyone.....so it must be true, but it still hurts even so and makes me feel badly about myself because I can't help it, and it's not like I asked to be stupid or want to be stupid, and it's the same with my Asperger's, my Bipolar, my Social Phobia, and all the rest and I'm tired of always being hated, blamed, rejected, and bullied for things I have no control over. Why can't people just be nice?

In any case, this has been a really bad year and my farewell is "UP YOURS!!" and like everything else in my life for 2021 I

HOPE FOR THE BEST BUT EXPECT THE WORST.

F*CK-OFF 2020!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!